When it comes to fashion, people stay doing the most with the absolute least. I stumbled across a photo of this dress being sold online and I have questions.

There is such a thing as “too much fashion.” This is on the other end of the spectrum: not enough. It’s called the “Sequoia Dress Weathercloth” and it retails for 450 American dollars. BHET WHY. I know somebody somewhere paid that price for this too. Because people are ridiculous. Whose frock is this, and why does it cost 450 WHOLE American dollars?? Who is wearing this and what sheep will they be tending to?

I knew LuvvNation would have something to say about this, so I posted the photo on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page.

Luvvie: This is what Kimmy Schmidt wore in the bunker.

Sandra: Designed by reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne.

Allie: Unbreakable. They alive, dammit!

Susan: It’s a miracle!

Jen: Females are strong as hell.

Tina: This must be from the M. Night Shyamalan collection. I have a sudden urge to watch The Village. 

Gail: She works craft services on the Handmaid’s Tale set….

Lenora: Lort! It’s preparation for the Handmaiden’s Tale apocalypse. Probably comes with a bonnet and a name tag that starts with “Of..”

Marie: For sister wives & hand maids on their once a month day out of the bunker.

Sarah: Nicki from Big Love just resurrected from HBO afterlife to bankrupt the whole damn polygamous fam again cause she needed this in every color.

Sarah: This will be our required uniform when Pence is Prez.

Lindsay: So for $450, I can lose my right to vote and die from Diptheria. No thanks.

Maggie: You have died from dysentery…whilst dressed in this, your best shit-stained frock.

Shamika: Bitch came over on the Mayflower 

Heather: Dearest Jebediah, As the war of Righteous Secession wages on, I comfort myself on these harrowingly lonely nights with my sewing. The oil lantern you begifted me for our anniversary doth provide just enough light to baste the seams late in the eve’…

Morgan: As I read this, I imagined someone writing a letter via candlelight with a quill.

Tina: Somewhere there’s a Rebekah laughing all the way to the bank because hers sell for only $29.95 plus s&h.

Alisa: They think they slick…knowing the Amish can’t use the internet or computers…just biting they whole style. I’m getting a horse drawn carriage and riding out to Amish country and telling.

Heather: Do it, fam. Get me some butter cause fresh churned is rare and life.

Alisa: I already planned the butter and an apple pie because they bake goods are touched by the Gods.

Jen: Right? But look how short it is…rumspringa!

Alisa: Yeah this length might get you shunned….I see some ankle.

Jeff: They appropriating Heidi and dem!

Tiffany: Maybe it’s like TOMS, they give a free frock to the Amish for every frock sold. That’s why they are so expensive!

Katie: I blame Agent Orange. With him out here being all orange & stunting like he runs the country, there’s just no standards anymore.

Courtenay: That Amish couture is always pricey. First, they gotta shear the sheep and spin the thread, make the cloth, then whittle the buttons, dye the whole thing a sad WWII army blanket color, and hand sew it up by candlelight. Did I mention they have to make the candles too? They have to make the candles too. Amish couture: It takes a lotta work to look this plain. 

Cheri: I betcha the women over in the Christian Fundamentalist compounds never knew how fashion forward they were…lemme see if i can get in touch with wives #24 & #38 to see what they think about this.

Andrea: Is this the start of a Handmaids Tale? Does it come with a winged-bonnet? Or is that extra? Asking for soon-to-oppressed female population.

Joelyn: What in the Handmaids Tale is this?

Kim: Blessed be!

Bijou: Under his eye!

Erika: Blessed be the Fruit!

Kim: Umph, the bonnet must be sold separately.

Keisha: This screams “My name is Rebekah and I’m Wife #5”

Domo: And have the nerve to charge that much money but only sell 3 sizes.

Anette: Does this dress double as a tablecloth, a comforter and a throw blanket for your couch? Because that’s pretty much the only way it would even be worth a third of thi- wait…did Kanye make this mess? First Homeless chic now Amish Bae couture? This nikka…

J: Who would even wear this tho? Lookin like little house on the prairie? My gramma can make this mess for $20! The pattern and fabric!

Atiya: I think my mom made this for me as a flannel night gown one winter, back in the early 90’s.

Angela: Looks like a reject from the Little House on the Prairie wardrobe closet.

Alexandra: You too can look chic while shunning your sister who left the church during rumspringa.

Yulanda: Pack the wagon Mary Elizabeth. Me, you, Sarah, Jane, Esther, Ruth, Rachel, Hannah, Isaac, Abraham, Jacob, Matthew, Hezekiah, Judah going out west. I hear of a place where the water can be seen for miles and miles and miles.

Cynica: You just gonna leave Jedediah to fend for himself in the eastern winter???!! Tsk tsk

Rachel: It’s great if your name is Sarah and you’re plain and tall.

Tina: She just plain.

Erin: All the homeschool mamas are gonna start flocking to your page. Next thing you know your followers are gonna be southern white women with perms.

Emme: With the bangs curled under! 

Ambrey: Half under and half backwards in perfect turd rolls.

Desiree: That time they didn’t have Plus size and I didn’t feel righteous indignation. All of you size 2, 4 and 6 can have that traveling out West by way of Wagon Train gear to yourselves. I’m good fam.

Susan: 2, 4 and 6 refers to the number of women who can wear it at one time.

Taymar: Reminds me of the chick that roughed Arya up in Braavos in the House of Faceless Men 

Jimmy: Every day a racist monument is left in tact one of these gets its wings. It then in turn goes off to churn butter, and offer a steady supply of fried bologna sandwiches to the Neo-Nazis.. So moral of the story.. Tear down racist monuments and be wreary of anyone you see wearing THIS SHIT. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Heather: DRAPE ALL THE MONUMENTS IN THIS FROCK!! BEAT BACK THE ALT-RIGHT WITH FRUMPY ACCOUTREMENTS!!

Laura: Yikes. Looks like what the Hutterite women in our area wear but they make their own for a whole heck of a lot less than this. Theirs look better than this too. They’re trying to look modest and unworldly, not like something from The Village by M. Night Shyamalan.

Heather: What’s the name of this catalog? “I Have Too Much Money and I Fucking Give Up on Life”?

Elle: No love for the big girls with this alternative universe uniform either.

Leslie: The thins can hab it.

Lillian: All I need is 10 yards of blah material and buttons the color of cat poo, and I can sew this for you in a day. And for a whole lot less! I mean $50 at Joann’s with my coupon, and an afternoon of making you look like Marilla hated on your puffed sleeves. You’ll rock it, like it’s 1877.

Jay: Because some fashion designer read somewhere about how some women can make a Hefty bag look good and thought, “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.”

Vicki: Does it come with a butter churner and a multitude of offspring? #WhatintheDamnHell

Shontae: I will churn you the meanest batch of butter ever in that frock of oppression. Does it come in any other color than dead fall leaves?

Janese: Organic, hand spun, hand dyed wool from virgin lambs, created especially for you by Amish crafts-women. Each one a work of individual art. Lol!

Bridgette: That’s from Laura Ingalls’ Fall collection. You can churn butter, practice Fundamentalism, and tend the prairie in this joint! Do the one-room schoolhouse boots come with it? ‘Cause if so… 

Donna: Antiques from the 1600’s are always expensive. I think Hester Prynne wore this one. Would probably be worth more if the red letter was still attached.

Lauren: What in the Salem Witch Trials Hell is this?!!! Gather your industry and tell them it’s a resounding neauxp!!

LaWanda: That “weathercloth” better come fresh off a puritan’s ass for $450 AND it better come with the apron, them white shoulder patches and flyaway flip bonnet.

Tisha: Chile, what Amish, FLDS, Latter Day Saints, child bride, sister wives type of shit is this?! These bitches thirsty AF if they think somebody spending Beyoncé concert ticket money on this here bulls***! 

Jennifer: Having a hard time figuring out those girls dress codes at your daughter’s school? Here’s your answer! Guaranteed to pass even the strictest of dress codes (when paired with wool tights and closed toe shoes). No collar bones, shoulders, knees or any other sexually suggestive body parts to distract the boys here…but much more comfortable than a sheet with eye holes! Creatures of Comfort…bringing the 1800’s to a school near you!

Renee: This is a dress code violation punishment outfit. And it doubles as another form of birth control.

Taconya: Wow!!! Just wow! That’s sadness in fabric form.

Sheila: Clearly, y’all weren’t there for Amish fashion week last year when this hit the runway (Fall line, happened after Isaiah Yoder’s barn raising). Sarah Yoder (no relation to Isaiah) was the designer. She was heard saying ‘Split pea soup green is the new black.’

Jodiann: Sister wives couture…..Salem witch fire sale….The churning with my homegirls collection….make America Puritan again…Real Housewives of Plymouth…this is unending fuckery.

Ambrey: Naw. It’s $450 in Confederate dollars, so really quite reasonable. Still, God don’t like ugly. He promises not to judge the homely, though.

Jamika: Chanting…”Shame…Shame….Shame!”

K: What in manifest destiny covered wagon gold rush old wild west hell is this?

Bridgette: “For 450 bucks, you too, can look like a victim of Cholera”

Yulanda: What in the little house on the prairie, Scarlett fever, smallpox is this. I can go to Dollar General, get some sheets and knock out about 30 for less than $100

Lois: Is it made out of mithril? Do I get a bonus versus ranged attacks? I refuse to believe anybody would shell out $450 to look like a sister-wife otherwise.

Kristie: I believe it’s Fraulein Maria’s, and it’s all they had at the abbey so we really shouldn’t criticize…

Carlye: If the GOP gets their way and makes birth control cost-prohibitive again, this dress is a much cheaper option in the long run.

Karen: Sure, you wear some feathers and fringe to Coachella erybody screamin’ CULTURAL APPROPRIATION. But apparently it’s ok to be plain and appropriate the AMISH.

Crissy: Can’t I just join a cult and get this for free? Isn’t it like part of the initiation package?

Lydia: Gentrified hipster Amish chic for when Flat Earthers run through an open prairie and fall off the face of the planet while eating those gentrified $60 collard greens from the Neiman Marcus catalog and singing “Bringing in the Sheaves.”

Susan: Wow. These are some of the ugliest clothes ever tortured into being.

Donte: Shit, you can go to any area of Amish country in Ohio and get that made for pennies on the dollar. $450 will probably buy you 20 pcs.

Jessica: Not in even in my heaviest of days! Madea wouldn’t even touch that…..and the price,though! No, no, and no again!

Michele: What in the hills are alive with the sounds of music madness is this?!?

Elizabeth: What the FROCK?!

Jessica: This was the dress code for Trump’s Phoenix rally. “We have the best frocks.”

Tira: 450 WHOLE ASS DOLLARS??? What in the Children of The Corn fresh hell is THIS?!!

Carlyle: Jeez, it looks like a poo emoji in human form, except a lot less happy

Linda: This things screams of sister-wives and sexual repression.

Margeaux: I see what they tryna do with these before Emancipation fashions and it ain’t gonna work!!!

Melissa: Whether you’re churning butter, chopping wood, or getting married off at thirteen, this dress has you covered.

Kat: Creatures of Comfort?? No. Creatures of great foolishness if you pay 450 for that…whateverthefuck that is.

Liz: I think you have to wear that frock if you’re joining an off-shoot, Mormon based cult in rural Arizona. It’s just a guess.

Janelle: What in the overpriced Pilgrim, Crucible hell is this?

Michele: Sooo we just gonna act like this designer don’t owe Little House on the Prairie costume designers a whole heap of royalties. WTH??

Christopher: Little House On The Prairie cosplay doesn’t come cheap, y’all.

Naima: Look, me and my mediocre sewing skills could sew this for for 27.99. This is awful.

Sanshika: Looking like no-sex-at-all and years of scratching cause the material is made from wool. Only a fool would shell out $450.

Michelle: From the Duggar collection.

Carmel: God don’t like ugly. #JesusBeASeamstress

Jasmine: Looks very Breaking Amish.

Brook: Cost includes time travel.

Nicole: Care instructions: fire. Lots of fire.

Jennifer: Is “Plantation Chic” a thing now? That’s a hard no from me.

Eriza: This is the chastity collection.

Fe: It just needs some accessories. I recommend a dumpster.

Chinika: Is this from the Mennonite ready to wear line?

Octavia: Something straight out of Gilead.

Deanne: Does it come with small pox?

Natecia: Looking like a scullery maid from the Old Country!!

Megan: Is that Mary Kate or Ashley?

Triston: Pennsylvania Dutch couture?

Indra: They should call this dress the Go Forth and Multiply.

I hate everything. Everyone go home. And don’t wear this.

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With Hurricane Harvey wreaking havoc in Texas, the people of Houston and Beaumont have been in our thoughts and prayers. Even during such a serious time, Cheeto Satan and company couldn’t help but embarrass themselves and act the complete OPPOSITE of how a president and first lady should behave.

On their way to Texas yesterday, look at the First Couple of fools…

Melania Trump in the new Hurricane Harvey SS17 runway collection. Who doesn’t need a pair of 5 inch stilettos to wade through waist deep water? I mean, you can’t comfort a suffering city without reminding them that at the end of the tunnel is a squinting white lady to receive you in her Air KneeBreak black heels. And her dumbass thumbs up giving buffoon of a husband.

I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling comforted already, knowing Squinty McGee and Squirrelwig McRacistpants are coming to Houston’s rescue. Except they didn’t even touch down in Houston, going to Corpus Christi instead. Fuckasses. They are the true worst. It’s for the best, though, since the people of Houston have suffered more than enough.

Anyways, I shared this photo on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page and LuvvNation served up some serious side-eye in the comments.

Terrence: Reporter: Do you have anything to say about the catastrophic flooding in Houston, Mrs. Trump?
Melania: When they go low, we go high. *boards helicopter*

Ty: As we see, Dolt 45 and Natasha Badenov are wearing Air Covfefe XLV’s, for when you want to be chic when pandering to people hit by catastrophic disasters. Free MAGA hat and “Thoughts And Prayers” poster with every 15th purchase.

Carrie: But she has on her top gun inspired, perfectly-distressed-by-orphans-in-a-third-world-country-she’s-never-heard-of, $6k bomber style jacket. She’s totes ready for the photo shoot.

Megan: And the matching aviators too. Hurricane is the same as Top Gun, right?!

Meghan: Honestly my first thought this morning was sooo how much does her silk designer bomber jacket cost and how many rescues could it fund. And the shoes oh holy mother of dragons who wears those to a flood.

Kimberly: Thank you for judging….I’ve been wanting to talk shit about her shoes all morning.

Stacy: I already talked shit about her shoes and I was promptly reprimanded that she would be changing them into something much more sensible…..or some bullshit like that when she got to her destination. I also talked shit about her wearing her husband’s prize jacket that he won from the Army or whoever so glibly handed out the jacket to the five time draft dodger!

Pat: Doesn’t she at least play tennis or something? She could’ve at least worn tennis shoes or some kind boot with a modest heel. They look like two fools.

Melissa: I bet the Nectarine Noriega doesn’t let her wear flats when he’s around.

Pat: Perhaps she doesn’t know any better but I just think it’s thoughtless to wear clothes like that when you are supposed to be comforting the city of Houston, the state of Texas and the country as a whole. Also her husband is throwing thumbs up signs. What is wrong with these people? Sigh.

Kate: It is totally petty; but I mean, COME ON, people have lost everything and she looks like she stepped off a runway. They aren’t that oblivious and insensitive, are they?

Vicki: I’m thankful we, the petty, have a congregation with which to fellowship.

Michelle: They showed up to do what? Both should have “showed up” in some water proof wading pants on a boat rescuing folks. She “showed up” in heel. Ain’t no work getting done.

Mak: These two might be the only motherfuckers more tone deaf than Mariah Carey. Maleficient and Yugge Squirrelwig are useless.

Jaclyn: He should at least contribute to the recovery. Ya know, take that hair off and sop up some of that water or plug up a levee. At least be useful…

Erika: I bet that damn toupee could mop up at least 500 gallons.

Rayna: Rest assured everything will be ok now, he gave the  and she brought her good shoes.

Rayna: We can only hope that they tighten up and cut off all circulation as soon as they touch flood water.

Mindy: They aren’t even going to Houston. They are going to Corpus and Austin. Texas has a big enough disaster on their hands without this shit show blowing in.

Jozzlyn: They would have fucked some shit up if they would have stayed. I can see it now… Ummm President Tangerine and 1st Lady No’Melanin can y’all get out the way.

Rayna: I was really just hoping they would go into the flood and the water would enter a tiny cut in their feet and die of an infection that had no cure after years of pain. I don’t ask for much.

Erika: The heels, either before the flight or after were tone deaf, under the circumstances. The $8,000 “bomber jacket” didn’t help, either. People have lost everything. The water rose so fast they are escaping in the soaking wet clothes on their backs and Madame Clueless is rubbing it in their faces.

Karen:  Does the above individual not even understand that she will undoubtedly ruin her $1,000+ pumps by traipsing around on the wet grass and mud, where the heels will sink into the ground while she is walking, puddles that can’t be jumped over, etc.??? Makes me wonder just wth she is there for in the first place. A Hurricane Harvey fashion shoot? Eye candy for the Narcissist-in-Chief? Not surprised, though, because nothing in this administration surprises me anymore. I have little doubt that 45 and his Stepford Wife will sink as low as possible during their tenure in the White House, and I am more than terrified because however long that is, it will be too long. Far too long. Don’t even ask me what I think of Melanoma and her past…you’ll receive far more than an earful!!

Allison: She’s not leaving the tarmac unless it’s to go to a car then onto a dry location. She wouldn’t dare be out in the elements.

Erika: You know damn well she isn’t doing anything else but taking a goddamn picture and sitting her ass back on the plane.

Tee: Him and that stupid thumbs up with his stupid baby hands! Ughhhhhhh!

Biafra: To paraphrase the great Jay-Z, “She don’t cook or clean, or kill a racist, semi-sentient bag of spoiled egg salad, but she dress her ass off and her walk is mean.”

Neesha: Her outfits are the silver lining of this God forsaken administration. Damnit, we have to enjoy SOMETHING about it for the next 3 & a half years. We deserve at least that much.

Montra: As a Houstonian, after telling us “Good Luck,” he don’t even need to come.

Tee: Exactly. “Good luck”? In a natural catastrophic disaster?!? This is not a 6 year old’s first t-ball game. Good luck. Pffft.

Tamiko: She was dressed for a photo op while people are dying and losing their homes… that’s a lot of cognitive dissonance on both of y’all end…Like those are red bottoms…she has zero chill for a natural disaster…

Anastasia: Previous first ladies traveled in the flats and sneakers ready to hug, serve food to those affected.

Jana: We already had a blowhard come through and destroy everything; why do we need another one?

Kristen: My favorite thing about Melania Trump is that she always looks confused… “where are we? How did I even get here? What am I supposed to be doing?”

Amy: Right?! She probably went to her doctor and said what’s the strongest sedative known to man you can give me to get through the next four years?

Tiffany: She always looks like she smells something awful…Maybe she does?

Don: “Which pair of designer shoes should I wear today? I hope my husband doesn’t try to touch me again.”

Melissa: Resting Duh Face.

Andreana: Announcing Melania’s hurricane line for the woman who needs to be ready for any natural disaster.

Dana: First step: don’t marry one 

Melissa: From the Let Them Eat Covfefe Collection

Alisa: Dear Mud….here comes some heels….do work.

Anna: I wish they would just leave us alone. Our entire state, neighboring states and country are rallying behind us. We don’t need them. This picture is gross. People here have NOTHING. Not one damn thing. Go away Trumps, we don’t want you here.

Jeff: Whea is she going? Starbucks? Lululemon? Target to pre-order “Reputation”?

Amy: And did you see the hat says FLOTUS? Does that need to be pointed out? Is she her own cheering section?

Yvonne: Maybe she wore it so secret service won’t forget to put her back on the plane lol

Greer: She wore it so ICE & CBP won’t mistakenly round her up with the other immigrants.

Tomesha: Jjjjeeessssuuusss be a wave of human decency, tolerance, respect, and decorum and wash right over these two clowns. They step on every last one of my nerves.

Jess: She looks like she stepped out of a scene from Zoolander and the fool next to her finished his alt right uniform with work boots that, until today, have only touched shoe box and carpet and a windbreaker a la Chris Christy. Help and comfort are on the way, just not from these jokers.

Portia: Looks like a toddler and his mother on the first day of school.

Simone: “Dropping off Donny to school today. #goodmom#lookatmyshoes #hesoexcited”

Robin: She landed in a hat, ponytail and sneakers. They went into damage control mode.

Tanya: She took those off someone on the plane…lol Those big white sneakers are NOT owned by Natasha, Cheeto Von Tiny Hands wouldn’t allow it!! LOL

Clint: Why is this idiot giving the thumbs up??? What a complete and total moron….and don’t even get me started on the gold digging tart in the CFM heels. Money certainly doesn’t buy class, or empathy.

Trena: I’m 100% sure she won’t be wading through a damn thing. I’ll be shocked if she gets off the plane let alone get down with the people. They need to stay in dc. Police and EMTs need to help and rescue people, not protect the “president”. They need to visit later. No one needs them standing around, doing nothing, taking resources.

Deandrea: I do wonder if she CAN wear flats if she’s worn heels for so long. Idk at least do a hidden wedge sneaker or something so you don’t look so tone deaf.

Sarah: Woman wear some rainboots. I’m sure your Transylvania ass has seen rain before.

Voice: I know y’all ladies have melanoma on lock down, so I wanna talk about the tangerine’s footwear. While his choice in boots are FAR more realistic for where they are headed, it’s utterly obvious those boots were pitch yesterday, and never worn prior to this picture. Fucking pathetic poser.

Stephanie: All the fashionable Wellingtons & Hunters available and she STILL chose stilettos? SMH

Rachel: And sunglasses in the rain? These people…

Kiristen: I think her message is clear, “I’m only here so I don’t get fined/media clowned. I intend to do NOTHING!!!”

Annette: If they ain’t air-dropping food, toiletries, clothes, medical supplies, $$$, etc…you know USEFUL things…there is no reason for them to be there other than a photo op!

Catherine: Maybe she’s going to drop critical supplies like mascara, blush, lip gloss, etc. Glad she’s wearing big sun glasses in the middle of this dark and stormy day.

Kimberly: This chick could be cute and purposeful with a black pair of Hunters. I hope she rolls her ankle ol extra fly ass.

Farah: #NudePicNagini has to look glam at all times, practicality notwithstanding. It’s not like she will actually do anything besides squint.

Patrick: Why are they posed like a cross between Madame Tussand’s wax figures and some kind of truly sad, tragic action figures? Somewhere, someone’s laptop just caught on fire from all the Photoshop this picture required.

Melissa: She’s trying to do product placement like Ivanka. There will probably be a “Shop This Look” link on the Fox & Friends site.

Kim: It’s photos like these that make me curse Zuckerberg for not giving us an eye roll reaction emoji.

Maritza: And her pose. It’s like a JC Penney catalogue shot. I’m sure she was thrilled to be sporting the bomber jacket – its all the rave!

Adrian: The only thing left for the Trumps to do now is to fly over Houston in a helicopter and pour buckets of shit on the people on the ground waiting to be rescued #MakingAmericaGreat

Jessica: Trump: “Find a street that’s moist and I will take a pic then leave”
Melanie: “I’m just here so I don’t get fined or deported.”

Sheena: I wonder if their presidential code names are moose and squirrel.

Deborah: Whether you support 45 or not, isn’t the point. It’s the incredible fact, that when getting dressed to go to the destruction in TX, where American citizens have lost everything……Mrs. Trump thought, hmm, I think I’ll wear Blk Patton leather stilettos. Knowing she would be photographed the whole way. That’s the point. The complete disconnect with the rest of us.

Karen: I love how all the news reports say that this is the biggest “natural disaster” of his administration, because we all know how many other regular ol’ disasters he’s caused.

Matlyn: The shoes are gator too, just to really be in the hurricane zone mood.

Crissy: It is unreal the level of disconnect. If you want to argue and say…well she has flats for touring the destruction, you’re part of the problem. These people all lost the foundation of their hierarchy of needs. They’re under stress and grief we can’t even understand unless you’ve been there. But runway model and her sugar daddy are here to look at the people like zoo animals. Just go like real people. In tennis shoes and jeans and help people. Just a huge disconnect.

Kellye: She’s not going to meet victims. She’s gonna be waiting in the car texting her boo while that mango colored cocksplat of a husband attempts to get his feet wet.

Stephani: Houston has been thru enough! Stay home, Trump! Might get his ass cussed out, Houston didn’t vote for him.

Kim: Nothing about this guy says POTUS unless POTUS stands for piece-of-trash-under-shit or prick-of-the-united-states. I won’t bother with Mrs. Prick…she doesn’t want to be there. Forty-five in Houston…what a joke.

Judy: Someone said “Clearly Melania is going to pilot some Barbarella style jet to air drop cosmetics to the starved and soaked masses”.

Jeff: Someone told her that there weren’t enough pumps for all the water.

Stephen: At a certain point, it’s not even about questioning Melania’s shoe choices but her mental health. Did she not know where she was going? Or is she actively trolling us? Will she show up at the next national disaster wearing a Bo Peep costume?

They are really trash humans.

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Cheeto Satan and his administration sunk to new lows of cruelty this week when it was announced that DACA (Defered Action for Childhood Arrivals) was being rescinded. This leaves around 800,000 people vulnerable and uncertain of their future in this country. As an immigrant, I stand with other immigrants. DREAMers should not be sent to countries they have never called home. What’s happening is not okay.

In the midst of all this, Cher took to her Twitter account to pledge support for those who will be affected by the end of DACA. And when a troll tried to come for her, she became the hero we all needed.

People really gotta learn when to stay in their lanes. Ol’ girl learned that hers wasn’t in challenging a legend on what she said she wanted to do. Some folks think celebrities gotta take the bullshit they send their way. Nah, Cher had a time yesterday. Besides, shutting the fuck up is always free.

Dropped this on my FB page and my people had a field day!

Mallory: Brenda’s somewhere like, If I could turn back time

Renita: Let me download a Cher song since i can’t throw a $1 on the altar…

Leteshia: Bout to dip into my collection plate $$. Cher swung her hair and let those fingers make it plaiiiiinnnn that she is not the 1, 2, OR the 3!!!
#eyesopenbitch #dontblink #cheroutcheabeinganallyandscalpingfolks #whatatimetobealive

Ebony: She has been snatching wigs lately with the comebacks!

Tainette: People you don’t mess with, Cher, Bette or JK Rowlng. You will have your soul handed to you on a silver platter.

Sherrice: Shit…more like beat the hell out of your soul and leave it on the side of the road.

Erin: Cher is forever turning back time on bitches, she’s playing no games with the Becky’s of the world or Twitterverse.

Erin: She’s like I can’t even turn back time to a point in life where any fucks were given lol.

Anitra: How on earth do you come for Cher when she ain’t send? 1. Cher has NEVA had any fuqqs to give and 2. She identifies as Native. Also 3. It’s CHER!!! She wore stockings and flaunted it on the TV! Dawg.

Jamie: A whole entire bedazzled body stocking in front of an entire ship of Sailors at that!

Jennifer: Ol girl Brenda locked her account down quick!!  Her mentions must have been in shambles.

Angie: Cause she’s outside gathering her hair pieces that are scattered all over the back yard.

Natasha: Complete and utter disarray!!!

Nyah: Jesus wept. Smh, lol.

Angie: She loves Jesus and Mickey Mouse, God Bless America LMAO

Tracy: Jesus and Mickey Mouse lover trying to drag Cher. Please go back to your scrapbooking and leave the fabulous alone.

Jennifer: Guess Brenda wasn’t Strong Enough to handle being ethered by Cher.

Ashley: Keep Mickey out your mouth Brenda!

Dene: She is such a positive person that she positively got a third degree  courtesy of Cher.

Brandon: She believes in Jesus, but she won’t let him live here unless he’s reborn here.

Melanie: But politics annoy her!! 

Angela: Loves Jesus but he wouldn’t have been allowed in US according to 45!! Cher clearly gets it and Betty totally missed it!!

Angela: Don’t ever come for a 71 year old woman with the body of a 20 something who can hold a five minute plank.

May: #Godshonesttruth #JesuscantsaveyouBrenda

Sherrice: Baby…you ain’t said nuffin. There is a time to talk and a time to be quiet. Brenda now knows the difference.

Kyna: Why did this woman come for Cher? Cher is an original OG. This ain’t what you want Brenda! You can get this work Brenda!

Marlyn: Why y’all messing with CHER??!!! Of all people? CHER has that light your soul on fire clap back! That back in the day clap back! That old skool, real OG, well seasoned and marinated in life clap back! You do not mess with Cher!!!!

Carly: I’m trying to find her mug shot photo from the 60s, she has been fuck free longer than most people been born (“bo’n” like how she sings it in “Half Breed”).

Dee: Cher with the fire clap-back though! ,I’m about to put on my curly wig and leathers in tribute. #wegotyoubih

Sherrice: Everybody knows not to come for Auntie Cher. She left her fucks in 1973.

Bridget: She gave them to Sonny in the divorce settlement!!!!!

Melody: Brenda need to just delete her account and try the Internet in another lifetime. 

Autumn: Why do people continue to come for Muva Cher?? “Do not cometh for she if she has not sendeth for thou”. Deu-not-come-for-me 1:1.

Cyrita: I literally did this at work! Do not come for Cher!

Chemere: Oh Brenda. Girl, your social media life is buried beneath the earth, girl. Your self-esteem is probably laid to rest immediately next to it.

Sherrice: Here lies Brenda’s self esteem. She lost it through her own dumbness.

Rochanda: Cher had the time and the keystrokes today!!

Leteshia: Listen. Brenda’s bio says she’s a lover of Jesus and Disney, but Cher came through to remind her that neither scripture nor cute mouse ears could save her. I hope she called her pastor riiiiight after she locked her account. Brenda bout to be on the prayer list of needs and concerns. Bout to be a member of the sick and shut in group. I hope her friends send her some edible arrangements and every pineapple flower is designed like Cher’s silhouette.

Meghan: I felt that clap back in my soul!

Anastasia: When you forgot Cher ain’t never been here for the shits.

Rudy: Given all of the white women who voted for Trump, it’s hard out here for a queen to have role models but between Cher and Blanche Devereaux, I have a template for making sure my Medicare eligible years are LIT!

Dominique: Brenda needs protective eye-wear. Her retinas will suffer from this burn. Her vision will be cross from Cher’s verbal bitch-slap. Her sight is forever altered by the OG’s super sass.

H: Cher is savage and I am totally, completely and unequivocally here for it!

Cindy: Brenda was like, “Who gon check me boo?!” And Cher wasn’t here for it cause her field is fresh outta fucks to give to dumb bitches.

Jonay: All Brenda had to do was mind her business. DASSIT. But noooo she had to come when nobody sent for her ass.

Jasmyn: Cher has always been about that life!

Cne: Whyyyyyyyy did she come for CHER  She was BORN with no fks to give.

Afiba: Ok Brenda with the good eyesight, Auntie Cher just showed you another side of her. I hope you believe now.

Amanda: And that ladies and gentlemen was the one and only Cherilyn Sarkisian..we must use her full govt. name today.

Rhonda: Brenda got twitter….but Brenda barely got a brain
A dam shame the girl can barely spell cher’s name
Thats not our problem thats up to brendas family….
Well now yall see how dum tweets affect the whole community.
Don’t you know shes got a….don’t you know shes got a twitter…….

Blaze: #ireallydontthinkyourestrongenoughno

Sonya: When Cher speaks, u betta watch and learn, biatch! She is neva afraid to come for you. She is 71 with no fuggs to give!!!

Leteshia: She let Brenda know that loving Jesus was not a pass for tryin to come for Cherilyn Sarkisian. Brenda thought she was being slick but no scripture could’ve prepared her for such a time as this.

Sharon: Invite Cher to the cookout please.

Bridget: Cher is definitely going with #Blaxit no doubts!!!

Keisha: Do you beeeellliiieeeevvvveee in life after ETTTHHHHEEERRRR? I really don’t think you’re strong enough, nooooooooo.

Tiffany: Cher has given no fucks at all ever so why are people tryin her? She will drag your soul to Hell and look fierce as fuck while she does it. I wanna be Cher when I grow up damnit.

Awo: Cher is that Auntie in the family that will cut you and you have no clue you’re bleeding until someone points out the trail of blood.

Bridget: Cher been gangsta since the 70s. She totally savage….she’s like a Highlander. Cut off yo head and absorb your power. That’s how beast she is. Look at her. She ain’t aged. Still look like she did in the movie Mask.

Rella: That was so fire, I feel like I need to keep my eyes open too. The shockwave from that response made every person in a 7,000 mile radius unable to blink.

Angela: Somewhere in the great beyond Sonny is saying “YEAH my babe ethered another one! Oh babe, I got you babe”

Angela: Is she still headlining in Vegas? I must visit and hand her my tithes!

Nicole: OMG! I need to go to a Cher show just for this comment alone!!! Yaaassssss…. get ’em together.

Nel: Aye, don’t start none, won’t be none.

Jen: Brenda has much to learn.

Nicole: This is hilarious. Idk why people believe that celebrities won’t put them in their place when they come at them any kind of way.

Erica: Cher and Auntie Maxine are not to be messed with.

Chantel: Cher is OG-triple-OG with the blood of the indigenous people flowing through her veins. Find her a fuk to give, because she’s been out since she was married to Sonny!

Shakira: Cher has NEVER had a problem giving folks the business! Definitely a giver of not ONE fuck! At. All.

Giselle: I love her…she snatched that wig right quick.

Zaire: It’s been 10 minutes and I still can’t get over this tweet.

Brenda: When a fellow Brenda-ian Fucks it up for all of us. #theresalwaysonedonkey #imnotwithher

Erin: Brenda is bald because Cher just snatched her wig and her edges.

Ana: You lookin’ for Cher, you gonna find her.

Lisa: She does not know the power of the TwitterCher, does she? The force is strong, bitch! LOL

Adrienne: I wasn’t ready. And Brenda Webb didn’t know bout Cher, apparently.

JaRonn: The day that Cher became Auntie to girls and boys all over America.

Jamie: Consider that legendary ass mic DROPPED!

Phyllis: That was a slap in the face for sure and straight out of the script from Moonstruck!

Julie: Cher is, and always has been, devoid of any fucks.

Gloria: …snatched for at least seven generations.

DeAnna: I see you Cher dropping them Golden Girls caliber shady reads!

Anneka: I will be swinging my hair all day I’m homage to Cher!!

Edward: She recorded a music video on a BATTLESHIP. What makes you think you’re going to win that argument?

Sharon: She clearly doesn’t know who Cher is, does she?

Regina: Brenda is somewhere putting butter on them burns!

Jackie: Auntie Cher calmly and resolutely called her a bitch like it was her govment name 

Keisha: Cher said  Don’t  Come  For  Me  Bih 

P: Winter is gone but in cometh Cher with that 

Alexis: BURRRRRRRRN. Doesn’t she KNOW better than to come for Cher. She gathered her right on up. 

Constina: Cher took off her earrings and wig before typing that  back.

Lesley: Brenda Girl, why don’t you just Gypsy Tramp and Thieves yo behind somewhere.

Lily: That’s a grade 3 burn. Not sure Brenda’ll make it out of that ICU.

Felicia: When you forget Cher was an originator of the Shether.

Marisa: Nobody asked you, BRENDA.

Alexa: Cher is a FUCKING legend and the Brenda’s of the world need to learn their place.

Paulina: Cher sent that ass back home…tail tucked….by the powers vested in Cher…do not come for Muva….

Elisa:  Shit just ask David Letterman about how gangster Cher is. Poor Brenda. Poor, broken clowned Brenda.

Tamala:  Do not cometh for the queen or thou shall slayed.

Logan: Do you believe in life after being crushed under the weight of Cher’s words? Do ya, Brenda?

Joy: Cher is out here reminding the children who she is. I live.

Tracey: Welp, time to follow Cher.

The lesson of the day is: don’t come for Cher if she ain’t send for you. Even if she does send for you, think twice before you pick up your bag and go. Brenda helped us all learn this lesson. We thank her for her service.

Follow the Awesomely Luvvie FB page | The post Don’t Come for Cher on DACA. You Might Get Ethered appeared first on Awesomely Luvvie. Duplicating this content in entirety is expressly forbidden.

Y’all know I have a soft spot for judgey babies. They haven’t even been here very long but they KNOW something ain’t right. They want us to get it together and they will let us know about it.

So, coming across my timeline all of last week was this baby who basically stole my spirit.

This baby has been here before and she’s sick of your shit, my shit and everybody else’s. She wants us to get our lives together. DRAG US, BABY GIRL.

This little girl is basically JudgeyPop come to life. And the best thing is that this baby has an Instagram! Isn’t she a chocolate gumdrop??? And then her dimples!!! I DIE.

I posted this on my Facebook fan page and I’ve been CACKLING at LuvvNation’s comments. We’re all feeling judged by this baby girl.

Kristie: She’s been judging me all this time and I didn’t even know I AM SO SORRY MAR’LEI.

Jasmine: She’s an adult woman with a job and bills and no one can tell me otherwise. Cute judgey self.

Natasha: This is actually my daughter 

Marlene: She is downright adorable and giving me life!!!

Phalisa: You were obviously not having any foolishness while you were pregnant! She is precious as can be!

Erinkate: She’s gorgeous! And that NAH HAVIN’ IT look is the best thing I have seen all day!

Natasha:  Lmbo y’all I’m playing. She’s not my baby but got damn we got the same exact spirit animal 

Luvvie: LMAOOO I legit was like YOU HAVE THE BEST DAUGHTER before I saw you were playing. lolll I claim her too. shit.

Natasha:  I saw the baby and i hollered because she’s wearing the face I would wear when my boss asks me to work over the weekend.

Kennisha: It’s a blessing she can’t verbalize her thoughts yet. None of us are ready for that tongue lashing. Side note: I’m pretty sure this is what Auntie Maxine’s baby pictures look like.

Melissa: Auntie Maxine’s chubby baby legs are crossed and her Buster Brown’s are at a high shine so she can see herself as she shade shames you.

Evan: She’s already reclaiming her time.

Crystal: On behalf of the ancestors.

Kanda: This blessing came into this world judging every last one of us. She’s like “Where’s President Obama?”

Sherrice: She said, “I HEARD we had a black president. I know this one ain’t who y’all was talking about.” Then she tapped her pack of Newports and rolled her eyes.

Oona: Truth. She’s all “Four years of this orange haze of doom?? You do realize these are my formative years, right people?”

Alexis:  I feel like she saw one fork in the sink and just asked who put all these dishes in the sink.

Sherrice: And then went on to talk about how nobody does a damn thing in the house besides her.

Zuri: If that baby doesn’t grow up to be Beverly in HR she will have missed her calling.

Autumn: LOL! Instead of working on her ABCs in kindergarten, she’ll be learning how to construct professional nice-nasty emails.

Monica: Either Beverly, or Valerie at the DMV!

Carla: Hilarious! or Mrs. Jones who’s the Dean of a school. Either way, we know she’s going to have long acrylic nails that will click and clack when she types on the keyboard.

Tracey: I had a Darlene in HR who would give the same face!

Brit: shiiiiiitttttttt! My mama name is Dareleane and she used to work in HR!!! 

Carol: Joanne at the Post Office.

Debbie: I think a high school teacher. The one kids are all scared of.

Robyn: Linda at the traffic court.

Kimberley: Ain’t no way you getting out of that ticket. You may as well go on and write your check. Or better yet , come with your money order.

Brenda: Linda J. in HR because it’s like three other Linda’s in HR.

Jessica: Jessica from HR and this is my face while people complain to me about the job. Now I gotta document this mess…

Zuri: Sharon at the Child Support office. Sheila the West Indian nurse on the Maternity Floor.

Michelle: She came out saying, “with all due respect…”

Zuri: She already has her inspirational quote for her email signature picked out.

Toroitich: This baby sees all my past indiscretions, flaws & lays waste to my excuses. (Going to sit in a corner & rethink my entire life)

Sherrice: Come and join me. I’ve been sitting here since I looked at that picture.

Duwa: She made this face after she saw Trump throw them paper towels at the people of Puerto Rico! This baby is done with his orange tomfoolery.

Lindsay: That baby wants to know why you keep running in and out the house, heating up the outside, because you don’t pay no bills up in here.

Alden: This was foretold. Ancient prophecy told of an Orange-Faced Ass Monkey that would descend upon the Earth. He would reek of insanity and poor decisions, and rule ineptly with a tiny, orange, fist. Suffering would settle upon the world. But there would be born a warrior to meet him in battle. A side-eyed master of supreme pettiness with an inability to give even the tiniest fuck. She would wield the power of pure, petty, fucklessness. And she would smite the Ass Monkey and go on to rule and judge a world at peace. This is obviously that warrior.

Karen: “Y’all better straighten this shit out BEFORE me and my peers reach majority. Now bring me my bah.”

Yulanda: This baby is so judgemental. This is how those old mother’s of the church look at them young women sitting on the front pew. Showing all their blessed assurance to Passa.

Iraolyn: I’m instantlfy compelled to get my life together. Ima do better, motha, and I’m sorry.

Gwen: She may be a baby, but she did NOT come to play!

Jai: She’s been here before….TWICE!!! This time she’s coming in the name and shade of our ancestors!!!! Clearly she is a descendant of Sojourner Truth!!!!!!!!!

Erika: She is a strong black baby woman. She will not be intimidated and she will not be undermined. How did this precious baby get fed up with us so fast? She’s trying to reclaim time from this life and her last!

Ajah: She’s so precious and I want to cuddle her, but I’m not really in the best place right now mentally to be judged for my lifestyle choices by a baby…

Tahsweah: She definitely been here before. She looking like she asking God… “ Bruh this what u brought me back for” 

Karlyn: THIS is what happens when mothers play the audiobook version of “I’m Judging You” to their babies in utero!! They come out locked & loaded, ready to fire 

Susan: She bout to pick up her pocketbook, straighten her slip, and walk away muttering, “Witcho dumb butt.”

Susan: If she take her cute little pink headband off and say, “Somebody hold my bottle,” you better exit the premises.

Sharice: I’ve seen 30 different memes made with this baby’s picture and they’ve all been perfect. She ain’t here for the BS.

Shantae: Hands down best one

Lana: She looks like she was supposed to go home an hour ago but her replacement didn’t come in. She missed her lunch and hasn’t had a cigarette since her morning break.
She is over it all!!!

Lindsey: She is your reincarnated grandma, the one who used to threaten your life if you were not quiet in church and who embarrassed your ass MORE THAN ONCE because she could not handle your immature foolishness. She is not here for it.

Shay: Looking like someone’s big Mama. She’ll cut cha down with three or four words and then make you mind blowing Mac and cheese. Her house is always clean, she never knows what these “young people” are doing with themselves, and she thinks you could use a little more lotion on them ankles.  I love her!

DeShawn: These babies come here over it! St. Gabriel prepared them before arrival and they are in disgust that none of it was a lie!!

Maria-Teresa: A thousand memes suddenly got their wings.

Susan: At least 3 times a day, this baby say, “See, what you NOT finna do is …,” complete with neck rolling and finger pointing.

Micheal: This little girl wants to know…nay demands to know….why I am late and where the butterscotch in her purse went. That is for her sugar only.

Deja: This baby wants to know how your protest vote is working out for you…

Gloria: Reminds me of my late Grandmother who would give that look with a “Hmmph”. Translation: You ain’t shit.

Nikola: Does anyone have the address of the post office box where I can send this baby my edges? Because this baby does not have time for my excuses.

Naretha: Looking all like a 75 year old mother of the church about to hand you a peppermint and quarter and tell you to sit yo behind down somewhere.

Soluna: All hail the future queen of the side-eye, we are not worthy. Going to feel like I let her down for the rest of my life.

Ana: I cannot adequately express my love for this little old soul. She has somehow absorbed the spirits & essences of Mother Maxine, Auntie Cher, Auntie Jane, & Auntie Cicely, flavored with a bit of Lady Olenna & Lady Lyanna. She WILL NOT be accepting or tolerating foolery of any kind.

Linda: She heard everything that was said while in the womb and NOW a certain someone is trying to compliment her.

Kara: She is over everyone’s shit except her own. And you better get on that because it won’t be long before she’s over that, too.

Eiesha: These babies are not playing … They are born with attitudes and grudges.

Tiffany: This baby is reclaiming her time, even though she was just born 46 minutes ago!

Cynthia: Damn, this is like my third time being reincarnated, and y’all still haven’t fixed this shit yet. Social progress is supposed to go forward, people, not backward. I guess this carseat is pretty comfy, but that’s some small potatoes. I shoulda just stayed in. Refused to come out. Nope, not being born this time! Y’all can keep the comfy car seat!

Lauren: That look is everything. She makes me want to go and confess my sins and I haven’t done a thing for the day. But just in case, you know?

Aeisha: She is a chocolate drop with ZERO tolerance for fuckery and I too love her…she is my spirit animal.

DC: She could be a baby Annalise Keating!! That adorable girl’s look hurt me AND my feelings!!

Fe: That is just innate Blackness right there. It is not learned, it’s inherited from the ancestors, passed down through the blood. Our babies are born knowing how to make that face. And THAT is the face that is going to eventually save the world. Don’t you doubt it or HER for a second.

Alden: I know black women don’t age – but DAMN Maxine Waters looks young in this pic!

Jamila: This baby looks like your auntie when you bring your new boyfriend over for Christmas and she asks you”What happened to your other little friend that was here on 4th of July”?

Jasmyn: I can literally see and hear her saying “Mhmmm,” followed by an epic eye-roll. Thank God for ornery babies; we don’t deserve them. Or, maybe we do…

Jamesetta: Dis how Mother Bessie Jean look at the little kids who be playing in church. If you don’t sit yo behind down…..Y’all know the rest.

Drea: I love this baby’s face!! I’ve seen this all day! She is over us and ain’t even been here long enough to know why.

Aeisha: She is tiiiiyuuuurrrddd and has no time for your shenanigans…this is the look your mama gives you AFTER she done already told you “DON’T ASK FOR NOTHING IN THIS STORE” and you ask anyway.

Jan: Damn. My nonexistent uterus is screaming for a baby like this cutie. That face is the look I give grown folks who ask me dumbass questions! Ima just print and laminate this picture and hold it up from now on.

Donna: Her whole expression says, “Really, is this what we doing?” She just look like she thinks you too dumb to breathe. This precious baby is all of us with # 45 and his band of evil trolls.

Brandy:  Oh no! Someone she doesn’t like must’ve made the potato salad 

Nicole: She’s not salty, she’s marinated. And she is indeed sick of our collective shit.

Erika: She has to have siblings. Has to. I’m an only child. I wasn’t able to perfect that face until my cousin was born.

Jasmine: She looks as if she’s getting ready to ask if you have Mc Donald’s money.

Jennifer:  She has heard his lies before, and she’s not falling for that shit twice. The only person he’s fooling is himsel

Michael: I accept her as my new leader.

Evelyn: This baby knew me in 1997- my first year in college. #trife

Cne: Chileeeee I just laughed so HARD! She looks like me at 3:45 when my boss ask me to do a 30 min task… KNOWING I GET OFF AT EXACTLY 4pm

Tammy: She’ll need that look when she has her own kids.

Roxanna: This baby was born on my birthday, so I claim her as my spirit animal. She gives me inspiration.

Anitra: This is the face the head usher makes when you go sit your tail in the seat she pacifically told you not to go to!!

Christina: This baby needs all of us to shut our mouths and reevaluate our life choices right now.

Ashley: She looks like she’s about to tell me she’ll pray for me.

Morgana: She’s judging all of us

This baby is my book come to life.

New cover

Follow the Awesomely Luvvie FB page | The post This Judgey Baby is Sick of Everyone and I Love Her appeared first on Awesomely Luvvie. Duplicating this content in entirety is expressly forbidden.

You know what is an everlasting bastard? When people fall from grace spectacularly. Y’all. A picture was circulating last week and I had to make sure it wasn’t photoshop. It was of baseball great, Sammy Sosa, standing on the streets of London and it scared the bejeez out of me. Just look at this:

BLOOD OF GIDEON AND EMMANUEL. WHAT IS THIS?!? Why is Brother Sosa out here looking like the ghost of self-hate present? Whappened?? Sammy looking like he wants to take my healthcare away.

At first, I was all “wait, maybe he has vitiligo. We can’t make fun of him if that’s the case.” But noooo, this bamma ain’t got nobody’s vitiligo. In an interview he did years ago, when someone asked him that, he said ”

“I use a cream to keep my skin smooth and soft. I apply it before I go to bed. When I was playing for Chicago all those years, I was in the sun a lot for 1 o’clock games. The flashes (from the cameras) also made my skin look lighter. I’m surprised with the controversy this has caused.”

Niglet, bye! Soooooo when you looked like an actual person and not the turkey we picked out to make on Thanksgiving, it was because of the sun? When you had that amazing broned skin, kissed by melanin magic, it was from camera flashes? My dude, you a good ass lie and the truth is not in you. I know bleached skin when I see it, because coming from Nigeria where it is far too common, that gray undertone is super familiar.

Those hands fought.

Why do people lie to terribly? The sun is somewhere like “I got power but Nah.” You ain’t ‘posed to be out here with skin looking like uncooked chicken, Sammy. This wasn’t supposed to be your portion. Someone on Twitter said he looks like a pinky toe and I almost DIED.

Of course when I shared this photo on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook fan page, y’all tried to kill me with laughter! I was hollering reading these comments.

Ebs: How is turning yourself into Mr Willis from The Jefferson’s ok 

Condesa:

Laura: He looks like his name is Chad and he’s reporting live from Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

K.D.: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Not even Fenty has a shade for that. #terrible

Luvvie: Fenty like “we ain’t got it.”

Janelle: Is he auditioning for a White Chicks remake????

Wise:  that bamma look like he sells Amway and Five Links. Sammy Sosa out here looking like a budget Jerry Lewis

Luvvie: CLEARANCE Jerry Lewis. The one that says “final sale”

Wise: Behind the beat up tagless shirts

Luvvie: And it says “As is with defects.”

Wise: Sammy Sosa, when getting it white ain’t quite right.

Venus: How did he end up looking like Jay Leno??? 

Cee: Looking like a used car salesman

Nerlande: Looking like a used car.

Latisha: Baby, I thought this was dude who does the announcements on Jimmy Fallon……#irememberdarksammy

Havalen: Now he just looks like an old British man that knows where the best fish and chips shops are.

Marie: Hmm does this mean his “original flavor” baseball cards are worth more now or completely worthless? Any new ones will be uglass

Shaquane: Somebody said he look like a chubby Count Dracula  🧛‍♂️

Eva: For people who bleach, I have questions… Like your belly button. Is it wasteful to put it in there? And your backside, you know… close to the nether regions… in the inbetween… do you just skip that? Inside the ears is that safe? The eyelids. When you blink, are those still brown? In the eyelashes… will you always look like you have on eyeliner? Armpits – is there a reaction with deodorant. I just wonder how much suffering is involved in trying to be white and such. There has to be a point where you say that between the burning and the clowning that it is just too much, right?

Deidre: Is that the new crayon color called Whink (white & pink)?

Angela: Omg I thought Chris Christie had lost weight!  🤭

Eva: He’s clearly skipping parts. Dude behind him is wearing shorts. He got on EVERYTHING in his closet. Sweater, coat, hands in pockets, scarf… #FacebookForensics

Neesha: Sammy out here looking like Jake from State Farm. 

Monique: I swear I thought this was someone’s #WayBackWednesday Halloween picture. He looks like he just stepped out of his vampiric slumber for a night out on the town.

Danielle: I call that shade newborn pink.

Carnell: This dude looks like Poppin’ Fresh without the hat.

Eva: Last question… what kind of theatrical makeup is he using to hide that ever present 5 o clock shadow he used to have? This whole thing has left me with nothing but questions.

JG: Who is that jolly white man?

Mark: Let’s see his elbows and knuckles see if he a patch work quilt

Tsipa: He looks suspiciously like my ex-husband…who is a pasty biologist from Yorkshire. Like, are we sure his name isn’t Simon? *compares wedding photos*

Didi: He is now unseasoned… Rest in Blandness.  🤷‍♀️ 🤣

Sabrina: He could be the ghost on Scooby Doo like “and I would’ve gotten away with if not for those pesky kids”

Shatani: he looks like the man on the Operation board game

Kayce: I literally thought this was dan ackroyd

Rob: Ish like this is the reason why people say, “on a scale of dominican to nigerian, how proud are you to be black”…. this right here.

Kiki: He looks like he smells like farts and cologne

Richard: Who aspires to look like Ted Cruz after dermabrasion?

Lydia: Maybe it’s not really him. Maybe this guy is some deranged fan who got plastic surgery to look like him and has the real Sammy chained in his basement. Because dayum…he done reverse engineered himself.

Christina: He looks like Ernest Borgnine. Wtf!

Gina: He is outchere looking like erased paper and evaporated milk. He is Pecola Brreedlove’s dream of whiteness granted by a malevolent and petty genie. He has destroyed perfectly good melanin for this clown arsed result.

Osoojee: I’ve never been able to look at Neapolitan ice cream in the same way.

Noelle: I worry that if someone touches his paper thin skin it will split open like rotten fruit

Kaye: And this fool is proud?! Lookin like some old dried up Elmer’s glue! Ole clay stick lookin a—!

Joy: What in the reverse Dolzeal…? 

Jane: As if we don’t have enough old white farts running around.

Monique: Sammy is the neighborhood HOA president, and he will rough you up.

Rick: He looks like you better bring the kids inside to play today.

Denise: Sammy looking like he purchased ALLLLL the tiki torches and khakis at target and brought them to Charlottesville.

Jacquie: You just KNOW he’s forgotten how to season food now.

Melissa: Wait a gosh dern moment. This fool wants us to believe he is dark because of playing in the sun??! This fool is Dominican. My Dominican friends don’t play baseball so why they still dark??

Lanene: Of all the things he could’ve done to himself on purpose like comb his hair or brush his teeth, he chose to change himself into an aging white man??? He must’ve forgotten that BLACK DON’T CRACK. BLACK Sammy, NOT white!!! Sheesh. Help em y’all cause I’m through!

John: That’s not Sammy Sosa that’s my mom’s weird cousin from her uncle’s affair who sells insurance and is a part-time youth pastor and swears he’s not gay even tho his dog’s name is Ms. Hepburn.

Portia: Bow your heads and lettuce pray. Sweet baby Jesus with hair like lambs wool and feet like potted brass, touch your once melanin rich child Sammy who has bleached himself into Biff from the Hamptons. Bring him back. Give him his own personal sun to tan him back to reality. Place him in the fire filled furnace. Give him 10 seconds of unprotected burn. He needs a miracle. We ask this in the mighty name of Black Jesus.

Jasmine: What in the actual f@$k? I have a question… Do the ancestors take away your anti-aging magic when you bleach your skin? Is he going to start aging like buttermilk and banana peels now that he’s denounced his melanin?

Judith: He looks like Nathan Lane and Bat Boy had a baby.

CJ: I mean, your face is beige but what about your genitals? Your booty cheeks? How you explaining this to a paramour?

Luvvie: OMGGG I hadn’t even thought about that. Is his peen chocolate while the rest of him is vanilla AF? How does that look in the dark?

Brittany: He looks like a whole Josh Gad.

Monique: Sammy Sosa went from Dominican baseball player, to Jewish uncle from Brooklyn.

Lynn: I showed this to my husband and he said it’s like someone had to describe Ted Cruz to a police sketch artist.

Yulanda: Sammy Sousa outcha looking like Grandpa from the Munsters.

Karen: This man said the camera flash makes his skin look lighter. *takes selfie with flash…nope, STILL black* Sammy, Sammy, Sammy….pobrecito

Teri: He’s going to play Chris Christie in the Lifetime movie.

Shonnese: He looks like a skinned peacock. Like, he and melanin got into a slap-fight and he lost…everything. He looks like life made a left turn when it realized Sammy Sosa was aiming for “shade not found in Fenty Beauty” as his ultimate goal. He looks like a rubber bath mat and regret. Bless.

Jennifer: This is fake news, right? I refuse to believe that this servant of the Night’s King, this White Walker right here, is Sammy Sosa. No, ma’am.

Haley: I need to know who even recognized him enough to take a photo! And we’re going to need A trip to Maury for a DNA test to determine whether or not this is the REAL Sammy Sosa.

Mak: Sammy looks like he needs to be seasoned, basted and put back in the oven for at least an hour or three. I know his giblets are already gone…

JaRonn: You say he’s Sammy Sosa? Ok, but why is he inside out?

Linda: No. Looking like a busted open can of biscuits.

Matt: Gurl he looks like the Penguin has done gone and impregnated someone. Come out the cave Sammy, the air is fine!

Crissy: Wow I had no idea this was Sammy Sosa. I thought this was some dude badly cosplaying as Sherlock Holmes.

Melissa: Sammy is whiter than most Southern debutantes I’ve ever met. Sammy just created a new shade for Fenty and is actively trying to get Rihanna to call him back. Sammy’s skin looks like it feels like the sole of an Old Navy $1 flip flop. By the way, who really thinks that Sammy bleached his dick? If I were his woman, that shit and its chemicals ain’t running up in me because… infections abound.

Merita: His inner eye where he can’t get the cream to bleach just freaks me out. It just looks like there is a black man hidden behind a mask that don’t fit quite right.

Tamyra: I’m concerned…..but I also bout wanna know exactly what he’s using. I could use a lil on these stubborn dark inner thigh meats.

Raja: He looks like Dracula’s first day out of the coffin since 1861 and he is trying to blend in with the commoners.

Shontae: That boy out here looking like Dan Aykroyd in Nothing but Trouble and a 3 pound pack of ground chicken.

Kristin: He fell all the way through the Sunken Place and now he’s looking like Bob about to get mauled by a demodog from the Upside Down.

Sylvia: What mother of the Usher Board did the Pillsbury Panda steal this scarf from? The self-hate is real in this one. Went from beautifully bronzed to pasty dough disaster.

Melissa: Sammy Sosa got stock in industrial strength Ambi cuz ain’t no way a camera flash did this. My dude been soaking in a tub full of this shit, twice a day, for years. Or he got some doctor who specializes in genetic manipulation and erased the melanin, but the side effect is that it gave him vampire-like properties – thats why we never see pictures of his ass out in the daytime, or eating garlic heavy dishes. Bet he never wears real silver jewelry either and hasn’t been inside a church in years.

Kevin: Sammy looking like a bottle of pepto and Ted Cruz mated and nine months later…..out pops Sammy’s long lost pink azz twin brother,Jammy Sosa. The real Sammy is in witness protection somewhere.

Esther: He was so cute as himself. He now looks like a carb-faced aging frat boy named Todd.

Shari: Oh my Lordt. I just laughed so hard reading this post that I tooted unexpectedly. #laughtulence

Carrie: This just straight up started a fight with me and my husband. He refuses to believe this is Sosa. I’m mad he’s doubting you. In Luvvie I trust!! But we’re both speechless.

Alicia: Y’all Sammy out here looking like the 100th copy of a Ross Matthew clone. The copy just isn’t as sharp as the original.

Vicki: Sammy looks like he hit that contour and highlight palette a little too hard then Photoshopped the phuck outta himself with a Big and Tall catalog photo.

Lori: So…when he gets naked he looks like he’s wearing a tan onesie? I mean, how must that look? Ooh, this is just….smh….NO, SAMMY, STOP.

Denisha: I am so tired of having to accept ppl with their new faces. We all need to band together and truly turn the other cheek when they come around looking unrecognizable. Change your name too because it’s just too hard to get over.

Ana: What the Vanilla Tootsie Roll hell is this???? I wouldn’t have known who this was if you hadn’t captioned that photo!!!

Courtney: He looks like a freshly shaved bear. Who lied to him and told him this was a good look? Did he not have enough for his hands? I️ have so many questions.

Kim: What in the cornmeal battered deep fried crispy f**k? He fell into the basement of the Sunken Place.

Lanene: Well if he was aiming for a white Christmas, he definitely hit his mark! #whodat

Courtney: It’s unfortunate timing to be going around looking like creepier Kevin Spacey.

Christopher: Looks like he’s about to wreck up NYC until the Ghostbusters show up.

Michelle: Looking like he belongs on a string of white Christmas lights. Just a whole replacement bulb.

Maria: Sosa out here looking like Trump’s dreams come true.

This is just highly unfortunate. We gon pray for Sammy. I mean, melanin has abandoned him now so we will be watching him starting to age like an avocado.

Parents, hug your children and tell them to love the skin they’re in. Cuz… nah.

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Everyone knows that cats are the patron saints of petty in the animal kingdom, so when I saw this photo from Imgur I had to share it on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page:

This is Jack. He got into a fight and ended up with a wound on his side. The Vet suggested a shirt as a less stressful approach to keep him from chewing it, rather than a plastic cone. Fun Fact: Most cats fit into baby shirts sized 0-3 months.

Basically, this cat is cool AF. And sick of everyone’s shit.

In the midst of Cheeto administration awfulness, this shady cat gave LuvvNation some joy and your comments had me howling!

Zuri: Jack is the CEO of a tech startup that has yet to go live on any product but has segways in the office.

Joy: Tell Jack I got this roommate named Foxy. She is single and ready to mingle.

Veronica: “Fun Fact: Most cats fit into baby shirts sized 0-3 months.” This is not information I needed to be aware of. I will not use it. I will not use it. I will not use it. I will not……. use……. *runs to Target in a cloud of smoke*

Marcia: For the record I don’t know any 0-3 month old that could rock this shirt with Jack’s aplomb.

Luvvie: They don’t have the swag.

Katya: Jack is obviously Janice’s pet. He’s tired of the bs, just like she is.

Luvvie: This is definitely Janice from HR’s cat.

Leah: This is the most Gen X cat I have ever seen. All he needs is a black coffee and a general air of ennui.

Gaye: And a man bun.

Leah: And a goatee.

Ambrey: And either a girlfriend wearing a sundress with tights and a winter scarf or a boyfriend named Gavin or Seamus.

Leah: “Of course I don’t have a smart phone. I like to actually talk to people. *rolleyes*”

Abbie: And of course, he plays ACOUSTIC guitar.

Leah: And rides a bicycle older than most of his co-workers.

Abbie: Or a unicycle.

Stacey: Wait, wait! No man buns for us GenX geezers.  I’m also over here giggling because everyone is *usually* bagging on the Millennials.

Leah: Or a pennyfarthing, which he rides on weekends in a three-piece suit.

Litisha: His voice is a mix of Niles and Frazier Crane. Lol

Angela: In 2017, we are all this cat.

Tamisha: Jack ready to fight.

Luvvie: He gon put some paws on some folks.

Gaye: See now that’s what got Jack in trouble in the first place.

Mandy: Jack got to Sephora too late for the Fenty dark shades of foundation.

Tulani: #thesepaws

Laura: Oh you have no idea the amount of paws and claws they gone get when they try to take that off 

Rachel: Jack is going to pick up that guitar and meow John Mayer covers until you fling your panties at him and scream.

Christine: Jack will be smothering you in your sleep. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow, or the next day. Watch yourself.

Danielle: Jack said not today. Do NOT bring the covfefe over thisaway.

Kandyce: Jack is planning to get his human back for this cute shenanigan and its gonna be epic lol 

Gaye: Jack dares you to say something about his shirt. In fact, “Jack” is short for Samuel L. Jackson Cat, and he has already dealt with several m%#&$ people with something to say about his m&@<$ shirt!

H: We all have been this cat since November 9, 2016.

K.W.: Oh, Jack’s got a few kittymamas in these streets. Bet.

K.W.: You know it’s true! He done rolled up on some unsuspecting calico with that collar popped….next thing she knows she’s stuck with a litter by her lonesome. #deadbeatcatdaddy

Candice: And asking for a caternity test. Maury, tell ’em that I ain’t them cats’ daddy.

Alisha: That cat was calm as Hell to allow someone to put the shirt on him. Also, his face screams “ALL MY LIFE I HAD TO FIGHT”.

Lysha: Jack has completely run out of damns, fucks and shits. #nopenottoday

Mrz: Jack doesn’t like all this new bullshit they call music now. Jack doesn’t drink no pansy ass foofy coffee. Just regular Joe. And you better give him a bourbon with a beer back. A REGULAR beer. None of that craft shit. And stay the hell off his lawn.

Kegan: Jack looks like he’s been hip to the latest IPAs before they were cool. And no, he doesn’t pay to get in because he totally knows the guy at the door.

Monique: Jack looks like he could use a shot of Hennessy. It’s been a hell of a day.

Suzana: That popped collar is everything.

Jasmyn: I’d be scared to square up with Jack. That stare though?

Carmen: Jack just wish a MF would…

Suzanne: Jack is like “bitch I would’ve preferred the cone. Wit dis bullshyt! You know this ain’t got shyt to do with no wound. This ’bout your damn 2017 holiday card.”

Zuri: Jack is ready to go to Starbucks and complain about how triggered he is by his bourgeois parents’ unrealistic expectations of him.

Zahnwhea: Saw this post. Immediately went to look through my daughter’s clothes for something for my cat to wear. 

Kenya: That baby is pissed to the highest of pistivity lol

Mak: Jack looks like prefers chilled scotch when he isn’t kicking other cat ass.

Melanie: Jack doesn’t always wear shirts, but when he does he rolls the sleeves and pops the collar. Jack is the most interesting cat in the world.

Diana: One of my boys is a neurotic over-groomer of his lower belly, and he has a kitty onesie. The difference between a kitty onesie and a baby onesie is a reinforced cutout for purposes of evacuation and $35. I should really learn to sew.

Carol: Y’all know good and damn well Jack was high af when he let someone dress him in this get up. Now he mad cause none of his homies stopped this Madness #paybackisgonnabeabeotch

Nicole: I love this cat. He’s giving everybody the “fuck you looking at” face. We all should be like Jack.

Nova: JACK IS PISSED. Apparently, you got the wrong color and pattern fool. How’s Jack supposed to go out like that in front of his friends? Dang it man!!!

Oona: Actually, I think the cat is more like “Get me outta this effing button-down shirt before I end you…”

LeQuenta: Jack is straight up saying “not today Satan…not today”

Felix: Jack is WEARING that shirt.

Eliza: Jack has been playing guitar for years. Jack could be the guy who pulls out a guitar at a party. But he isn’t because he doesn’t need your fucking validation, alright?

Michelle: Jack is being forced to watch Fox News and in the not so far recesses of his mind has cussed #45 for the whole of his remaining time in office for the dirty filth that lies beneath that urnge lacefront of shambles atop his head.

Jaquita: Jack is writing strongly worded letters to the HOA about his lawn care and has left all his f#@$ in his other shirt.

Paige: My boyfriend said it looks like he vapes.

Erika: This cat must have borrowed the shirt from one of those babies that works the swing shift down at the factory.

Anette: This cat is sitting in a Starbucks drinking a pumpkin spice latte and writing his 4th self published novel titled “#FightMeBitch: I’m cool as Shit.” He has a condo in Seattle, drives a 2015 Prius and only eats organic, free-range chicken.

Charlese: Looking like he’s about to rehearse the choreo for MJ’s Bad video. #WhosBad #JacksBad

Bridgette: Oh, Jeezus! They gave him a Tinder profile!  “Jack, 34. Sings and plays acoustic guitar. Girls think he’s sensitive and deep but he’s just “in it for the pussy.” Wears too much Axe body spray, smokes Camel non filters, Charles Bukowski is his personal hero. Reads in bars.”

Deidre: I would try this with my Kiwi, but she flopped over like she was dead when I tried putting a harness on her. She would really perform in a shirt.

Kanda: His name is Braxton, but the homies call him Brax.

Natasha: This cat takes its milk out of an avocado only.

Erin: He looks like a hipster who smokes French cigarettes and hates us all for being so pedestrian and uninteresting.

Jennifer: Hipster cat got the wrong latte. Hipster cat is unamused.

Jennifer: Plaid, really Mother? You could of at least bought me Burberry!!

Christina: This cat would go savage on that bird’s nest on top of 45’s ragedy ass head.

Jessea: John ‘Cougar’ Mellencat! ‘Ain’t That America’

Nicole:Please tell me this cat belongs to Maxine Waters.

Julie: That is the look of a cat that is going to shit DIRECTLY on someone’s bed. He ain’t havin’ it!!

Michael: Jack isn’t mad, he’s disappointed.

Clinton: Jack is an artist and he’s sensitive about his shit and dares a motherfucker to talk bad about his art.

Monique: #catbae 

Cool ass cat. I’m here for Jack.

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A couple of days ago, White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson addressed the nation to calm growing concerns that the Dunghole-in-Chief was in terrible shape health-wise. The doctor told us all that Mango Mussolini is in great health physically and mentally. He also claimed that the Fanta Fascist is 6’3″ and 239 lbs.

BRUH. The devil is a lie and the truth ain’t in him. Do not piss on me and tell me it’s Ginger Ale. If those ain’t #AlternativeFacts, I don’t know what is.

This. Pantyline.

Besides the fact that the Tang Tyrant survives on a diet of McDonald’s and KFC every single day, he is also seemingly allergic to exercise. The only running he’s doing is with his mouth and his tiny little fingers typing on Twitter. His arteries must look like a Los Angeles highway at 5pm: clogged up and ready to give up at any moment.

But also: 6’3 and 239 pounds??? BISHWHERE? Maybe on a planet with zero gravity. Why tell this lie? Sports Illustrated made a whole post about Athletes who are the same size as Donald Trump and it is perfect. Also, he is like 2 inches shorter than President Barack Obama, who clocks in at 6’1 so that doesn’t even make any sense!

I’m just here to say: the 45 Administration is full of lies and they gaslight us every single day. And YOU are not crazy. They are. I think it’s important to say this because as they lie to us boldly and terribly every single day, we might be tempted to question ourselves. We cannot afford to.

We are being told blatant lies, and we are being conditioned to accept the less outlandish ones since the others are so ridiculous. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. THEY ARE. Stand in that. Be confident of that. And fight like hell in November, by voting in midterms so we can get more of them out of office.

Toupee Fiasco walking around here shaped like a bag of dirty laundry. Just a hot ass mess. If that guy is a picture of health, who is 6’3 and 239 pounds, then I’m a Scandinavian princess who can dunk. We gon need his Girth Certificate post-haste.

Anywho, so I posted this on my Awesomely Luvvie FB page and LuvvNation went in!

McKenna: If Cheeto Satan is 6’3″ and 239 pounds then I am the identical twin Rihanna’s momma gave up at birth because she knew if there was that much awesome under one roof the whole damn thing would blow up. Sis better call me soon, we obviously need to combine our powers for good and save the world!

Melisa: If Twitler is 239 lbs then I am the Statue of Liberty, here to turn back time like Cher and return his mama back to Scotland. The only doctor that Trump sees is Dr. Pepper.

Celeste: Who will be the reporter who gets 86ed from a press conference for, “Mr. President, your physician states you’re in excellent health. When is the last time you could see your penis?”

Uppity Knitter: If 45 is 6’3 and 239 pounds. Then I knit all my projects using only one knitting needle, with yarn spun from the undercoat of the the elusive Black unicorn.

Kenisha: I think he’s every bit of 5’10”. Otherwise, why swing your tie around like a flaccid penis? 6’3” is a formidable height without doing all that…

Errica: If Cheeto Satan is 6’3 and 239 pounds, then I am the embodiment of white privilege. Kinks, melanin and all! #WheresMine #IDontGetPulledOver #WatchMeGetABankLoan

Lynn: If he’s 239, I’m going to the Olympics to do butt naked bobsledding. I ain’t even gonna use a bobsled.

Ty: and I’m an Idris Elba doppelganger. By the way, the doctor’s comments about “drying Trump’s secretions” to explain Dolt 45’s slurred speech sounds more horrifying than just about anything else in this report. Makes him sound like a weird Australian animal or an alien being held captive …which would explain a lot.

Keisha: If 45 is 6′ 3″ & 239 lbs, I’m Beyoncé’s body double when Angela Bassett doesn’t have have me booked to the max.

Nicole: I want to know EXACTLY what drugs are keeping Agent Orange alive. Seriously, we deserve to know the truth. This guy eats Mickey D’s and KFC on the daily and doesn’t exercise beyond pacing around his bedroom when he’s rage watching CNN. WHAT IS KEEPING HIM GOING? And nobody tell me it’s that he has Horcruxes. Dick Cheneymort has all the Horcruxes.

Robert: If this walking dumpster don’t stop with the lies. If he’s 239, I’m Dwayne Johnson’s long lost twin brother.

Karma: Also, they got his temperature wrong. No way that reptile had a body temp of 98.4. Unless the room was 103.4. I bet he runs at least 5 degrees colder than room temperature with a few degrees being channeled off to run hell.

Elizabeth: Because hot air weighs nothing. And he’s full of it.

H Loretta: And I’m as rich as Oprah….And Beyoncé’s long lost twin, twice as old and nine inches shorter- the most fraternal twins in history!

Eileen: If President Titler weigh 239, then it is true that people often stop me on the street because they mistake me for Pam Grier. Come on, folks, I’m taller and better-looking.

Tayo: Apparently you can eat kfc and mcdonalds only, look like the goodyear blimp and have a bp of 122/74….who knew?

Khira: Rachel Dolezal is black….. Trump is president AND physically fit…. Fugg it. I’m a mermaid.

Shania: I’m Wonder Woman using my invisible plane as a kiddie transport vehicle if he’s 239 lbs and 6’3”.

Yolanda: …and I’m Angela Bassett. I can sing like Whitney. I can dance like Teyanna Taylor and Janet Jackson. The Beyhive swarms for me. And my bank account rivals Warren Buffett.

Jolie: And I gave birth to Beyonce three days after I was born.

Debi: More like 339 pounds. That doctor was lying like a tacked down carpet.

Lori: If that fat f*ck is 6’3″ & 239 pounds, then I’m the Dowager Queen of Lower Sloblovia.

Kate: he’s hollow on the inside

Sharon: If he’s 6’3 and 239, I’m next in line for the English throne.

Dawn: I’ve seen 6’3 239lbs. That ain’t him! He just described Jason Mamoa!

Nicole: This penguin-looking blankety-blank! He probably meant his cholesterol was 239.

Hadda: If he’s 239, I’m Marilyn Monroe.

Ronica: And I’m the Queen of Wakanda

As we all are, sis. As we all are.

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You know we’ve been talmbout BLAXIT for awhile. Oh you ain’t know? Catch up and read my past BLAXIT posts (#BLAXIT: Things We’re Taking With Us If We Leave).

Anywho, when we leave this joint, we are going to re-settle in Wakanda, land of the abundant melanin, vibranium and no caucasity. In this land, we will not deal with bullshit and triflingness. With that being said…

The worst people in the world are the ones who don’t know they’re terrible. The Pied Piper of Piss, R. Kelly, needs to know his gahtdamb place, and it ain’t in anywhere that is supposed to be safe for women and girls (aka Earth). Being a professional predator and pedophile excludes him from our reindeer games, rightfully. That hapless niglet is running a cult of women, uses teenage girls as his pillow and is basically the cartoon version of a rapist. He is so gross.

So when he fixed his fingers to type that he wanted to get on a flight to Wakanda, 1,000 archangels harped “NO” in unison. Old wayward ass, no broughtupsy-having ass symbol of toxic masculinity and lost causes.

WHAT WE ARE NOT GON HAVE, R-RAH, is your creep ass, in the holy land of Wakanda, where melanin is aplenty and the women will whoop your everlasting ass.

So I quickly offered up this prayer, since the devil is surely busy.

Fatha Gawd, we come before you today to block the entry of enemies of progress and pedophiles into the sacred land of Wakanda! You said weapons would form but let them not prosper in this land. May fools like this stay trapped in the closet to nowhere when we #BLAXIT. We rebuke and reject him, in YOUR glorious name. AMEN! Let us touch and agree, because where two or more gather, nothing Robert Kelly does will win.

My audience had some words too when I posted this on my Facebook page.

Sili: Sir, let me explain. NO. Also: WE GOOD. For more information feel free to read all about the documentation needed to go to Wakanda. You can find it in the “We Don’t Pee Freely” section of this pamphlet. If you have any questions or concerns, please direct them to booth #1 where the lady with the bald head and the red and gold alphet is standing not smiling at us.

H Loretta: Now THIS is a time that I will gladly pay for a wall…

Tonya: We bind and rebuke this pissy devil in T’Challa’s name…..Amen

Shinita: No thank you Pissmonger. Someone send out a cat-signal to the Dora Milaje #WakandaICE

Jasmine: Nah you know what? Let him come. Take care of this once and for all.

My Queens!

Natasha: Sis, I’m grabbing the razor as we speak and getting in formation. I’m HERE for it!!!

Carla: You right. If anyone dares inquire about his whereabouts, we will politely inform them that we do not extradite criminals, but we have dealt with his crimes. #WakandaForever

Tonya: “speak nothing of this day.”

Michelle: Skewer him at the border or may his plan land safely in the mountains Father God. Amen.

Amy: Somebody put EXTRA security around Shuri, STAT!

Ty: Shuri would already have anti child-molester weapons at the ready.

Jane: Shuri is too old for him.

Holly: I’m pretty sure Shuri could turn him into a hat without blinking so….

Latisha – R. Kelly: You gone let me in or nah.
Dora Milaje: We will kill you first before we let you in, outsider.
R. Kelly: You’d really kill the Pied Piper of R n’ B.
Dora Milaje: For Wakanda… without question.

Luvvie: For Wakanda, for a random Monday, for a quarter…

Holly: Does ANYONE want R Kelly at this point besides the 90s?

Autumn: The 90s would probably send him back too if they could find the shipping info.

Ty: give the Dora Milaje 3 minutes with Kelly. Not that fighting the Dora Milaje would grant him access, but I want to see these women launch a coordinated attack and beat the unholy f*** out of Kelly.

Melissa: One minute is enough.

Ty: But three is more fun.

Michele: They wouldn’t even need a coordinated attack. The Dora Milaje trainees could handle Kelz

Alisa: All praises to the most high who stands above and looks below. Fatha Gawd we come again to humbly ask that you hermetically and permenantly seal aformenetioned closet so that the darkness now contained within will never ever ever ever permeate the land again. Amen.

Kaye: #inwakanda broke pedophiles answer to Lord M’baku.

Portia: I’m not sorry to inform you R(apist/pedophile that you are NOT welcome in Wakanda. Our young girls are precious to us. They are taught to respect themselves and more importantly that pee belongs in toilets. Please take your ass back home. If you stay you will be fed to my best friends Aunties cousins children. They are Not vegetarians.

Robbin: He just got evicted from 2 rental homes in Atlanta, where the Delta flights leave Hartsfield Jackson Airport to Wakanda. We got him on the run. WOW (Women of Wakanda) must block and exterminate this malevolent force in music.

Monikka: Good lawd. When they said Wakanda had a golden city, this is not what they were trying to attract. Bye Peepee Pedo!

Michelle: Bless every harpoon with poison laden tips. And oh fader’god’n’hebbum, bless the aim of the harpoonist, allowing them to land that poison tipped harpoon right betwixt his hot butt cheeks.

Shanda: He done already got evicted in Atlanta. This is the remix to his extinction hot and fresh out the kitchen. We rolling down the run way got his creepy ass wishing

Christina: I imagine Rachel Dolezal wants to be on that flight to Wakanda. LuvvNation shouts in unison…”hell to the naw!!!!”

Christine: Oh no, R., honey. You stay home in that closet. Wakanda is not for you. Jail is for you.

Kim: On behalf of those who support you, may I just say – we dont want him, either. Please dispose of your trash when you leave. If there’s room left when we dispose of ours!

June: He shall not pass and despoil our sacred land of Wakanda! Back foul beast of Bump ‘n Grind!

Crystal: Someone grab the can of Raid!!!

Nina: He might *believe* he can fly, but he’s on the #NoFlyList in Wakanda.

Carisa: If you ain’t invited to the cookout here, you fa sho ain’t getting into Wakanda!

Courtney: I’ve been there, and have the passport stamp to prove it! He banned, along with Omarosa and Clifton Powell

Stacey: Him and Stacy Dash’s flights are getting DE-Layed!

Tairea: The chariot is not swingin’ low for you, bruh

Wakanda NEVER for this shameless heaux.

Follow @luvvie

Have you bought my NYTimes-bestselling debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual? Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.

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First came the most expensive frock on the Oregon Trail. Then came the uglass skants (skirt pants). And now I’m convinced that fashion designers are just trolling us on purpose to entertain themselves, because look at this mess.

What in the tacky ass caucasery hell is this?!? Birkenstock has gone TOO FAR. As if those sandals weren’t bad enough. Now they’ve been turned into *gasp* BOOTS! These bastards have the nerve to cost $329 too. WHY LAWD. $329 real dollars, not Monopoly money. Talk about adding insult to tackiness.

LuvvNation went OFF about these boots from hell on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page and I got my life.

Rella: When even Jesus knows that Winter is Coming. It gets cold in that valley of the Shadow of Death sometimes.

Luvvie: And He shall fear NO evil.

Debbie: He fears no evil but He fears these ugly shoes.

Sonya: Because evil don’t even wanna touch that!

Kristen: Nah, these gotta be why He flipped the tables in the first place. 

Hudson: I’m gonna say it just this once #NotAllWhitePeople

Luvvie: LMAO! I’ll allow it this once.

April: #onlywackwypepo

Pearl: Only the ones with ZERO black friends… like seriooosly… but low key they DO look super warm and cuddly!! #dontjudgeme

Jennifer: I saw the top and was like “I’d wear the— WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK IS THAT ON THE BOTTOM?”

Vee: All it needs is a Croc sole and the trifecta of ugly will be complete!

Abbie: Did someone out there decide that socks with sandals just wasn’t quite ugly enough?

Hudson: Me if I see y’all in these

Hudson: Crocs come get your cousin Uggenstock Frankenshoe.

Bitsy: Speaking for the melanin challenged, these shoes are a crime against God and man. #notallwhitepeople.

Megan: The owner of these boots drive a Subaru where the back of the car is full of dogs. They gasp in horror behind me in line at Trader Joe’s because I forgot my reusable bag. They can hardly wait to tell me that they are vegan.

Julie: I bet they have an Etsy shop and sell essential oils.

Pearl: And they are free range parents!

Laura: Exactly. And buy pumpkin spice lattes like they own stock in Starbucks. Heck, maybe husband Chad does own stock in Starbucks.

Abbie: But they pair so beautifully with her 100% renewable resource, vegetable dyed organic hemp pants.

Nicole: Damn. After my stomach cramped from laughing I felt really bad for my old Subaru sitting outside. She’s offended by these boots.

Jamie: I’m sitting in my Subaru reading this and had to double check my shoes. (Cute shoes, WHEW, that was close)

Abbie: I’m thinking these would fit better with an El Camino. They display the same kind of indecisiveness.

Ciara: It’s like a birkenstock had a baby with an ugg boot.

Sherean: Like a Birkenstock had two sperm donors -one is an Ugg and the other an orthotic boot

Sylvia: Berki got drunk and don’t know who the daddy is.

Annie: Birkenfuggs

Ciara: Fuggenstocks

Andrea: I think a dad from Portland invented these.

Luvvie: Highly possible. He also wears cargo pants that unzip at the knees to become cargo shorts.

Katie: Portland, checking in. I have to say no to your theory, as the fabric on these would be a soggy, horrible mess in the rain. Otherwise, it’s a totally plausible theory, haha. Perhaps a Berkeley person invented them? The Ugg-ish part is very California.

Mikki: For white girls whose toes actually get cold.

Robyn: No no, no, noooooo! My toes could freeze smooth off my foot, but at least I would have my pride. A toeless foot and my pride. At least my pedicures would be cheaper.

Rebecca: What is the point of those?

Luvvie: To piss us all off.

Marilyn: Birth control.

Etoiles: Last day on the job, “what can I design and push through to production before I quit this trash heap crunchy company…”

Jim: Sandals come pre-loaded with socks now?

Khadijah: These are those Wun Wun 9’s

Kristie: Hi, I’m white and I love comfortable shoes and I apologize on behalf of all white people who don’t know how to draw the line between being going out and being comfortable and just deciding it’s best for society if one just stays home.

Sabrina: But thank y’all for Snuggies!!

Jeanine: It’s LIT! As in, where’s the flammable liquids and Zippo? This needs to die and it needs to be killed with fire.

Louise: What’s the problem here? These boots are specially made for middle aged ex-hippies in Berkeley who have to relocate to Maine Bc Nana Spudenfork fell down the front steps when she was reaching for her Readers Digest and broke her hip. She can no longer go to the bathroom by herself and Uncle Tanner, is all “I ain’t havin’ none of it!” and “you have no life so get up here” and so Willow Moonstruck has to quit her Woke Women Wednesday Knitting in Protest group and give up her futon to the reiki instructor down the street and move to Maine. BUT SHE STILL FOUND A WAY TO WEAR HER BIRKS.

Monique: How much pumpkin spice does one have to ingest to find this a good idea? Are they snorting it? Are they injecting that unicorn frapp foolishness? How does this happen? I have some serious questions. Somebody get their spokesperson, Mr. Sosa, on the phone.

Christen: I’m just about as transparent as a human can be, complete with freckles and the ginger mop, born from and raised by some pot-growing hippies who washed their faces with Zest bar soap and even I would never don these footwear abominations!

April: A Birkenstocking? What do you fill it with, shame and regret? Or are they sandals for UGGlass feet? No, my sandal feet ain’t ready. Hide my negligence.

Bernadette: I’m not taking responsibility for these… I’ve already got Taylor Swift, this is just a step too far.

Shonnesse: These are known as the Earth Biscuit Crunchy Cult mid-rise boots. They are for your vegan, organic, musty garlic/curry smelling, armpits that resemble a Monchhichi in a headlock, legs that a reminiscent of Sasquatch standing in a cool summer breeze, Beloved Patriarch Jim only allows us Sister-Wives to wear bibbed dresses and doilies in our tightly-bunned hair, I don’t know how to tie a shoe anyway, special kind of people.

Ebony: But look at the Traction on those High Top Brushed Cotton Sneakerbootshoes ….you can run straight up to heaven and not slip.

Ajah: I just feel like these shoes (boots? sandals? shandals? sandboots?) are trying to find themselves and we should give them the space to do so. Like, a WIDE berth, though…

Joy: They look comfortable. Reminds me of 20 years ago when I wore Birkenstock sandals with socks, African head wraps, and burned incense. What a time to be alive. I love them. I want some for Christmas.

Angel: I respect your frankness. I wear Birks with socks. I’m not ready to commit to a one-piece knee sock/shoe arrangement, tho.

Judith: I’m paler than moonlight and I do own a pair of Arizona sandals but this is even too white for me. Great googly moogly, those are horrific!

Marilyn: UGG and Birkenstock combo? Why the fuck not go ahead and throw some kind of Croc feature in there? DAMN that’s ugly.

Julie: Can we stick a kitten heel on those heaux shoes so the people that choose this abominable footwear break their ankle?

Chinyere: What in the Starbucks drinking, culture appropriated dirty locs, rusty Schwinn riding,  looking, having, wannabe bullshit ass feminist, polygamy compound living bullshit is this!?!!

Hilary: As a member of the caucasery, all I got is – I’M SORRY. But damn these comments.  It was worth it that these are a thing just to read the comments!

Erika: Now we know what happens when you put your Uggs and your Birkenstocks in the closet, together. #neveragain

Natalie: These are hysterical…just need to wear them with a crop jacket with the fur hood and yoga pants #vancouverstylepoints. SMH…this is a lesson in “be careful what you ask for.” Done complained too much about Ugg’s…got Birkenstock like “Hold my beer.”

Rachel: I need for Michael Clarke Duncan to rise from his eternal slumber for one last “Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby.”

Scott: These are definitely the preferred footwear of the White Walkers in Game of Thrones. This ish needs to stay beyond the wall.

Kathryn: Now that I know Birkenstocks and Ugg can mate and create horrors I’m eyeballing all the shoes I own. Imma spend the day on Pinterest figuring out how to organize and isolate my shoes lest this happen in my entranceway.

Sylvia: Worn by people who show up late to Friendsgiving with small tub of store bought potato salad and greens from Needless Markups yet bring copious amounts of empty Tupperware and load up their leftovers before everyone gets their plate. These have the mark of the beast and anyone wearing them should be immediately throat punched and sprinkled with holy water.

Rhonda: Let us now celebrate the multipurpocity of the vocabulary word “caucasery”…
Is that pronounced caucaSERY?- as call the caucasery and tell them to come get Becky with the fugly boots….
Or is it cauCASery? Like rachel dolezal had the caucasery to try to be trans-racial….
Or is it CAUcasery- they got all the hateration holleration in this Caucasery…
I await thy reply so I may use this word in haste oh great Goddess of shade vocab….bless thee for giving life to my petty!

Ashlee: Almost spit wine everywhere at “caucasery hell” because that is the only phrase that can describe this monstrosity.

Kevin: Them those Air Skywalkers that old whyte azz Luke Skywalker was sporting on that ice planet back in the day day. Elmer in marketing must have been tripping on the good powder again. #lastseenonplanethoth

Kim: That Star Wars Hoth ice station cosplay, tho…

Sili: This person has never tasted bacon and judges us for harming the world. They just bought that new VW van and will tell anyone that listens that they were conceived in one. Also: they eat kale every day and have the physical inability to give a side eye due to their low iron and propensity for lightintheassness.

Therese: Three hundred and twenty-nine dollars for this fuckery?? I know in which suburbs these will be all the rage…obnoxious, over-privileged white girls who will be impressed based upon the price tag. Listen up, fellow white folk – it is not necessary to blow $329, just to prove you are rich…AND, DUMB.

Linda: I live in Florida. It gets chilly here. I will not subject my feet to these ugly ass boots. And mind you, we love wearing boots the four days a year we can wear them. Not these, though.

Mosha: Those are mulloots. Made for those summer days and winter nights. They keep Debbie’s cankles warm while she rocks her ripped booty shorts (sans booty), crop top with matching bland chicken tan cardigan. This seasonless alphet is usually worn when heading to Twin Peaks with bae for a few cool brews.

Jennifer: There is a trust fund crunchie art major on campus ordering these with a credit card her mom pays for telling her friends she “doesn’t care about money” right now…

Alia: I have massive problems with my feet, and in summer I live in Birks despite the fug b/c they work with my issues. These? There are a big Nope. And the addition of the boot portion actually means they wouldn’t work for my feet anyway, the way it’s shaped. So they are ugly AND nonfunctional.

Cynthia: For basic girls who can’t decide whether to wear their UGGs or their retro Birkenstocks to hangover brunch on Sunday mornings, now they don’t have to choose!

Karen: Mark my words, you will see somebody rocking those things with a miniskirt or some shorts on and a scarf. They’ll also probably be drinking a pumpkin spice latte.

Lena: Well, you never know when tickets to the moon are gonna be cheap and you gonna NEED these boots to hold you down when that gravitational pull tries to sling you all over those moon rocks!!

Fe: That’s a post-foot-surgery boot……right?

Sharon: I’d like to apologize on behalf of white people with taste. We have no idea how these were unleashed on the general public. Be assured that if we find out who did this, they will be appropriately dealt with in a timely fashion. #smdh #iaintgottimeforthisnonsense

T.J.: I’m mad because if the dumb straps weren’t on the foot part, they might be cute. Doing the damn most.

Brenda: It’s like a toddler who wants to wear multiple pairs of shoes at once except somehow an adult didn’t step in and correct that mess.

Kitza: These boots have added gasoline to the rage smoldering within me. They are the straw that has broken my back. How much more are we expected to tolerate before we take to the streets?

Candace: For the abominable snowman who also has an undergrad from Berkeley.

Kimberly: I can see all 12 disciples wearing these in a blizzard.

Tara: Looks like Granny put on her compression socks and her “house shoes” at the same damn time. A mess…

Carrie: These go beautifully with kale and Satan.

Adrienne: Perfect for Coachella on the North Pole.

Bree: I live and die by Birkenstocks because feet hate me, but this gets a resounding HELL NAW

Alisa: Even Eskimos are like…Nah I’ll take frostbite on these toes for $200 Alex.

Kristyn: When you have to walk on water at 8 and be a Sherpa at 9…

Pam: This looks like some “As Seen On TV” white people solution to Midwestern bipolar weather.

Carly: Personally, I see this as a useful tool for identifying people I don’t need in my life.

LAWD. These are terrible. These are a shame. SHAME.

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Sometimes it’s fun to reminisce about the good ol’ days of social media and being online. You know? Before we realized the people who created it are basically Voldemort, planning world domination with our data. Young folks today don’t even know how much things have changed in such a short amount of time.

I joined Facebook in July 2004, 5 months after the evil genius Mark Zuckerberg created the platform as a sophomore at Harvard University. I, too, was a sophomore, but at the University of Illinois. Because he opened TheFacebook.com (hehehe the) to Harvard, then other Ivy Leagues, and then Big Tens, I was able to sign up.

I’m “I’ve been on Facebook since you couldn’t even upload a picture besides your profile icon and you were excited when they activated walls and the only way you could get on is with an Ivy League or Big Ten university email address” social media years old. I’m “I spent my lunchtime at school in the lab customizing my BlackPlanet page and picking the right cartoon girl wearing baggy pants” social media years old. I’m “I’ve been on Twitter since the fail whale used to show up once an hour” social media years old.

Remember this dude?

I’m “I’ve been on Facebook since you couldn’t even upload a picture besides yours profile icon and you were excited when they activated walls” social media years old. I’m “I had a Google Wave party and had so many people in there the app crashed” social media years old. If you’re like “what’s Google Wave?” then it is my obligation to chase you off my lawn. I’m “My first blog was on Xanga” social media years old.

Of course LuvvNation joined in the conversation on Facebook (because meta) and your replies had me cacklin.

Tara: I’m “this was social media in my day” years old:

Alicia: I’m “html coding my myspace background to make sure i had the latest twinkling stars and bubble letter graffiti” years old.

Elan: I’m “I’ve been in chat rooms since my 400 megabyte computer with a monitor that could display 256 colours had to go shhhkkkkkkrrrr​kakingkakingkakingtsh​chchchchchchchcch​*ding*ding*ding* to connect to the internet” social media years old.

Carmen: I’m “nobody pick up the phone because I’m using the internet!” (to post a/s/l) social media years old.

Ambar: My brother was a ho in life so nothing was worse than ALL his girlfriends calling the house and knocking me off the internet every 20 minutes.

Torrie: I’m “my Twitter handle is just my first name” social media years old.

Bianca: I remember when it rolled out to Texas A&M in 2003 or 2004. I low key was salty when you didn’t need the .edu email and they let high schoolers get on.

Ricky: I’m still mad about that. Little ass kids trashing the joint and older people sending me damn chain letters all the time.

Jennifer: I’m “I’m still mad my sister taught my mother how to Facebook” years old

Jessica: We were like “there goes the neighborhood” when you no longer needed a college email to join.

Monica: It came to A&M in 2004. I remember because I was a sophomore and was like “I’ll never be part of that stupid ass Facebook”, then I got bored over Christmas break and one thing led to another and here we are.

Heather: When you had to choose your fb status from a drop down list.

Ajani: I’m “I met my husband online and we’d chat on ICQ, when my roommate didn’t need to use the phone” years old.

Maya: I’m “get a random-ass free CD in the mail to download the software to start AOL” years old.

Betsy: And what about icq? Or trying to download a song from Napster using dial-up? You would leave 5 songs downloading, go to class, come back and it was still trying to download #4. The good old days…

Amanda: And if someone called your landline in the middle of that and interrupted your download?!?! There was HELL to pay!

Summer: I’m knowing how to start a computer from Dos years old!

Erin: I’m “check out my play list and purple butterfly background on my MySpace page” years old. And then get mad I can’t do the same thing on Facebook, but I can poke people.

Dedria: I had a rotary dial phone in college at Grambling. The pay phones in the hallway in the dorm that everybody used and one of the girls who happened to be walking by answered the phone and came knocked on your door to tell you your Mama was on the phone years old.

Amanda: Never heard my sorority house as quiet as it was the night FB started allowing pictures to be uploaded.

Kim: I’m “when I started college, you still had the option of turning in hand written assignments” years old.

Yolie: I am “listening to vinyl but thought I was doin somethin when I was ordering 12 for 12 CDs from Columbia House / BMG” years old.

DeShawn: Hell, I’m “social media was message boards years old.” *cues dial up sound*

Yulanda: I’m “having a $900 phone bill from BellSouth because they hadn’t figured out that dial up was not a long distance phone call. Then I had a $900 credit” years old.

Debra: I’m “remember Netscape?” years old.

Drea: I’m “I used to hang out in AOL chat rooms” social media years old.

Alexandra: Honey did you have a Prodigy account? I feel so old, cobwebs are up in my lady business. a former fiance of mine had a party line for his phone number, babe.

Sabrina: I am “we had all 100 volumes of encyclopedia Brittanica, you better take your ass to the library to research your paper and type it on a word processor then print it on paper you have the tear the sides off “ years old lol

Eboni: I’m dialing numbers so when you flip your pager upside down it’s a message old. I’m US Cellular Unlimited incoming calls, 1500 outgoing minutes, free after 9pm, no color screen, no internet for $30/month old.

Camille: I’m “AOL CD dial up on your work laptop bc personal computers were too pricey” old. Back when the internet had manners and your main chat room was “Black Voices” and the city you were in.

Aramide: I’m “I carried around every CD I owned in a huge CD binder/folio along with my giant portable CD player and headphones that didn’t fit into nan pocket” years old.

Traci: I remember when the “newsfeed” feature started and everyone was so upset that everyone could see everything they posted.

Ebone: I’m “I remember setting up multiple trial AOL accounts just to take advantage of the free 100 hour promo CDs” social media years old.

Nefertari: I’m “beep boop boop beep boop beep boop blip scratch beepboop brrrr breeeeee brrrrroop ding-ding-ding-BUZZZZZZZGRRRRRRRR-ding bing bong bing bong bing bong beeeeeeeeeeep beeeeeeeeeep boop YOU’VE GOT MAIL!” old.

MeMe: I’m “I was on BlackPlanet, spending hours customizing my page, signing other folks guestbook, before there was even a Facebook, still on AOL” years old.

Audrey: I’m “Computers were so new when I went to college that you had to go to the library to use them” old. I’m also “I remember dial-up” old.

Lindsay: I’m “I still say mapquest when I’m really talking about google maps” old.

Regina: I’m “Typed in the wrong code for the background on my Blackplanet page and had random symbols and letters scrolling from left to right but lost my password and never fixed it” years old.

Daco: I’m “Turn up my Mary J. Blige TAPE in the background while I record my answering machine” old because there is no digital voicemail/email!

Chemere: I’m “BlackPlanet, MySpace, and AOL/Excite chat rooms, had to for real be in college for Facebook” years old.

Tasha: I’m “I had a College Club account I could only access in the campus computer lab” old.

Kim: I’m having a different AOL email every 30 days when the free trial ran out years old.

Nancy: Remember the “Flair” pins?

Christina: I’m Compuserve years old… AOL chat room years old…AND Napster years old. It was lit!

Tessie: MySpace was the best thing ever. That’s my age.

Lauren: “I played Oregon Trail in school during free time and thought it was so decent” years old.

April: I’m “yall stole all this shit from Blackplanet” years old.

Christina: I’m “AOL didn’t even exist till I was in college” years old.

Lynn: I’m “computer games were played on multiple floppy disks” years old.

Courtney: I’m “made tripod/geocities pages with my message board friends over dialup” years old.

Harmony: I have emails in my university inbox from “The Facebook” circa 2004.

Andrea: I guess I’m “Carry around 25 cents for a phone call” years old.

Franchesca: I’m “I had a Tandy computer from Radio Shack” years old…

Kaye: Been on Facebook since your ONLY friends were those on your college campus!!

Karen: I am “honey you need to take that AOL address off your resume if you want employers to think you’re relevant” years old.

Jennifer: “First tried online dating when people still thought it was “safer” to meet someone by answering a newspaper classified dating ad” years old. #genX

Ana: I’m “didn’t have email in college, cause it was still only used by the military at the time ” years old

Drea: I’m “I’m so glad they didn’t have social media when I was school” social media years old. #mymemorieswouldhavebeenahotmess #changerelationshipstatuseveryhour

Read this thread on Twitter for other people’s social media ages.

How old, in social media years, are you?

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The theme of this year’s Met Gala was “Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination” and people definitely took it to heart in the best way. One of those people was Chadwick Boseman. Please look upon this fine specimen of melanin magic!

The Met Gala is where doing the MOST is not just an ask but a necessity and I am living for this look! Mannnn Chadwick was the envy of all pastors everywhere last night and I ain’t mad at it. He showed up Resurrection Sunday fresh, Watch Night service cool and Mother’s Day Prosperous. Chadwick said he was gon make every pastor mad so they gotta step their game up when he decided to pair the caped suit with some Golden Gates of Glory shoes. St. Peter is standing with Life’s List like “Oooo thisbout to be my Rapture #alphet.” He showed up and showed out in all his Holy and Royal Reverence, and I was here for every piece of it!

So was LuvvNation! These comments on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page had my crying!

Juli: Turn to your neighbor and say Wakanda Forever!

Yulanda: Y’all know Bishop Somebody done called up their tailor talking “I need that T’Challa robe for my ‘preciation.”

Clarissa: What time doe T’Church start?

Trisica: Why Chadwick look like full Wakandan orthodox.

Michelle: My husband is the best.  He’s so white he’s Prussian, but I showed him this and he said, “Wakanda forever!” <3

Jillian: I didn’t think I was into “sexy bishop” but….

Timika: TD Jakes calling RITE NAH trying to get one made in his size!

Rochelle: What time is service and can I be on the altar guild, deaconess board, URshers, Nurses’ Auxiliary and Pastors’ Wives’ prayer circle…

Annette: …T’Challa (because that’s his name) and Rihanna got people out here wanna dress like church for prom now.

Karen: You know somebody’s Pastor is going to have this custom made for church anniversary service!

H Loretta: This is gonna be THE LOOK for the well dressed Megachurch Pastor next Resurrection Sunday 2019! The Pastor’s Aide Club is already on it!

Angela: Come spend your Mother’s Day at Our Lady of Vibranium Church of Wakanda with Pastor T’Challa and Deacon Killmonger, praise along with the choir led by our Deaconess of song, Sister Fenty. HALLELUYER!

DeShawn: Creflo T’Challa!!

Jacqui: I feel like he needs to be holding a sweat rag, chalice and that family Bible that’s been passed down.  A-maan church!

Amanda: I feel like this is him formally asking me to be his First Lady.  I already got my white suite at the cleaners.  And the wack, white, close-toed pumps that every Church Mother wears are already polished up!

Rob: Category is: alter boy realness first time at a ball.

Alisha: You know Jamal Bryant has this being made right now

H. Loretta: This is gonna be THE LOOK for the well dressed Megachurch Pastor next Resurrection Sunday 2019!  The Pastor’s Aide Club is already on it!

MrsJonelle: So I guess its safe to call u 1st Lady of Wakanda now sis!! Ima be onur deaconess board cos u know deacon M’Baku wants me to be more involved in Wakanda church circle!!!

LMichelle: We’re $10,000 away from meeting our building fund goal! Come on somebody!

Denee’: This is getting copied on Sunday, and it’s Mother’s Day too…yep copied with matching hat

Jessea: Fighting bulls and sin at the same time…with ‘Poppa Don’t Take No Mess’ playing in the background.

Danielle: That man is fine as Wakandan frog’s hair.  He’s as beautiful as that first sip of dark coffee on a cold morning.  he is proof of intelligent design, because fine like that doesn’t evolve.  God took His time with this one.

Jay: Looks like a cross between a Pastor’sand a matador’s outfit.  Is there a bull or in the world doubling as Satan?

Kim: Isn’t there a National Baptist convention or something coming up?  They about to kill it!!!

Dedra: He’s giving me: The Pop meets Reverend Jones… #awhellnahfor$200

Donna: This goes with the theme for the Met Gala…”Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination:”

Nicole: What in the First Sunday is this?? #looksnicetho

Busola: When you are the Alufa of one Celestial Church, Ita-Faji Parish in Lagos   #7Hallujahs

N Patrice: Him and his stylist came all the way through with the theme this year!

Sili: Looking like he just walked out of the tomb on Sunday morning after…

Malea: 

Lekisha: This is sure to kick Holy Convocation up a couple of notches this year.

June: Looking like Right Revrun Big Daddy Love on Car Wash, heh heh he

Linda: Looking like Evangelical District Bishop Senior Pastor of Young Adult Choir

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Listen. I don’t use the word “ugly” but to describe people who are hatemongers. Racists are hatemongers and their outside seem to reflect it, as their insides spill out in the form of faces that are meant for radio: audio only please. It’s like your spirit just decays from all the prejudice you make it engage in. Like your entire being wrinkles from the core.

Note: if you are going to comment about me face-shaming someone, and kumbaya and high road, save your words. I don’t care. Calling racists on their ugliness is my form of resistance. Carry on. You’re welcome.

I’ve already talked about Steve Bannon at length. His soul rot keeps showing up in a way that his visage always looks like it’s on the brink of melting. Like halfway through melting, it found some resolve so the process paused. Seriously. Read my blog post on: Steve Bannon’s Face is the Physical Embodiment of Soul Rot. If shame had a human form, it would be him.

But the thing that kills me about racists is that their hate is so illogical, they end up feeling bold enough to call themselves superior. Or talk about what other people look like. Today’s asshat is Roseanne Barr, the Mother of  Proud Redneck Americans. It’s like the first MAGA hat was a fitted New Era and they used her head size as prototype.

Anywho, today, Roseanne felt herself feeling froggy and decided to tweet:

VJ refers to Valerie Jarrett, President Barack Obama’s senior advisor and powerful Black woman.

The sad excuse for a homo sapien, Roseanne, whose show just got rebooted almost just so she can spew her love for Cheeto Satan, fixed her fingers to compare a woman who is widely respected to an ape.

And I got mad. I was livid. For logic reasons. Even if one of my favorite pastimes wasn’t defending Black women for troglodytes. Let’s just talk facts here.

Roseanne making fun of someone’s looks is like Donald Trump aka Cheeto Satan calling someone’s hair “ridiculous.” Like, girl, you got ALL THE NERVE in the world. So much nerve. Peak nerve. Ultra nerve. The thing about racists is that their mirrors also lie to them. Or their eyes get cloudy with self esteem cataracts. Racism is a reverse facial and ain’t no amount of face peels or vitamin C serums to cure the effects of harboring so much hate.

N’an one of yall living right.

This fool trying to come for what Valerie looks like should let you know how truly STUPID racists are. Ma’am. You cannot challenge ANYBODY’S LOOKS. You just don’t have the range or the right. You coulda shut the entire fuck up for free. But alas… what’s a queen to a goblin?

Racists be out here looking like God put them together with spare parts and wanna have the nerve to talk about what other people look like. As if God had a few rough drafts He just let out cuz He wanted to see something real quick. I DON’T HAVE TIME. But I got time.

And the internet had time too. People been dragging her for her eyebrows since this morning.

I took to Facebook to fight the air and you know LuvvNation is undefeated. They had some things to say:

Sue: Whaaaat? Valerie Jarrett is just so poised and lovely all the time and Roseanne looks like someone who just finished cleaning out the garage.

Nicole: Sue, I think you’re being generous. She looks like she lives in the garage.

Maxine: Rosanne outchea walking around looking like a leaky bag of curdled milk. FOH

Aprill: The fact that it took her decades of continued plastic surgery to achieve an average face definitely makes this more appalling.

Lisa: Roseanne trying to insult somebody, out here looking like unwashed first cousin sex, high fructose corn syrup, and prices dropping at WalMart.

Biafra: Ol popped can of biscuits, bottom of the Cracker Barrell looking ass. Miss Mississippi Methhead looking ass.

Eva: When, after years of surgery, your neck still looks like lasagna edges, can you really talk about anyone? I say nah.

Mak: Roseanne looks like a pile of warm mayonnaise lightly sprinkled with dollar store black pepper.

Kara: often with a teeth-to-tattoo ratio that is not favorable….

Shel: Oh dear, that teeth to tattoo ration describes my meth infested town to a T(eethless)! I repeatedly state that if you go into a bar, collectively the entire place has a full set of teeth.

Jasmine: Roseanne has a lot of nerve talking about anyone. Out here looking like curdled milk and melted candle wax. Stand down, madame.

Tata: Every racist I’ve ever fought with in Facebook comments or in real life be looking like they on their last horcrux

Dee: Sit yo’ refurbished lookin ass down!!!

Noelle: The thinner the lips, the worse the opinions…

Lana: My momma calls them Chicken Lipped Bigots.

Tanya: I found out Katie Hopkins is a few months older than me. I saw her picture and presumed they were talking about dog years not human years cuz clearly the years have not been good to her. She is proof positive that God don’t like ugly.

Katie Hopkins. This is a woman who SHOULD have a winning personality. For reasons.

Lynn: Look, I’m a full 10 YEARS older than her. I refuse to believe that she’s not a walking Dorian Grey portrait of some spectacular looking Hollywood actress.

Tanya: I saw her picture and was like what in the AARP geriatric dog yeared hell?!?

Shaquane: It’s always the sponge bob shaped, no lip having, stringy haired, yellow teeth having racist who have the most to say about someone’s look. You can’t be ugly and racist, pick a struggle.

Tisha: I swear God put those people together at 11:58pm on Saturday night cause he thought he was done early and was probably out celebrating when one of the Angels tapped Him on the shoulder and reminded Him and he was like “oh crap….I’ll just throw all these left over parts together and hope for the best

H Loretta: Kate Hopkins and Roseanne Barr out here lookin like a chewed on toothpick and sour milk got the nerve to be outchea talking people?

Isis: Be looking like relatives of the Crypt Keeper but always have something nasty and mean to say about other and how others look.

Dayyanah: Bannon, for one. Steve out here lookin like some hybrid produce… the looks of a potato and the shelf life of an avocado.

Elia: Seems like it’s always the ones with little or nothing to offer that blab about everyone else being mean/ugly/inferior.

Patrick: Those racists don’t use 23andMe. More like 22andGodOnlyKnows.

Whittley: All the way outchea smelling like every thing wrong with wet dreams and built like sofas from a 90s sitcom. Lookin’ roughed up, ran through, beat down, full o’ funk, and sittin’ low. Just sad. Sad, sad, SAD.

Kendhra: Oh fa’sho. Looking like they were created at a hot dog factory.

Morgan: Lookin like a dusty leather bag on clearance talmbout ~superior genes.

I’m just saying. Today has been for one thing and one thing only: drag Roseanne. Nothing else I put on the list got done.

Wait. I did finish this blog post so I can cross that out too. And since it was essentially to drag Roseanne, DOUBLE CROSS OUTS!

All this dragging did serve a purpose, cuz with the entire internet on their tail, ABC had to act quick. They swiftly cancelled that foresaken reboot of hers. Roseanne is out of a job because she wrote a wrong ass check that her loud mouth could not cash.

If you need me, I’ll be over here cackling like a drunk seal. Sometimes, things go right. Roseanne losing these coins made today go right. Shoutout to Channing Dungey, the president of ABC Entertainment, who also happens to be a Black woman. She is now officially an Apollo legend for her work.

Y’all be blessed.

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Dennis Rodman took to CNN yesterday, wearing a MAGA hat, to weep about how people came at him when he first stood with Donald Trump and went to North Korea on his behalf. All snot-nosed and rambling about how he’s been waiting for such a time as this. This former NBA player, who ain’t did anything of note since he retired over a decade ago, is now a diplomat, dealing with international relations on behalf of the President of the United States who is walking garbage in the shade of vomit orange. Like if you drink too much Fanta and threw it up.

And I’m just wondering if we are being Punk’d by life because things are just completely ridiculous and in disarray. Everything is stupid and nothing makes sense. I’m embarrassed for all of us as a collective and a people and a species.

Dennis outchea looking like EVERYTHING he (and you, your mama and your cousin too) been through. Like the word “struggle” got turned into a sentient being.

He’s looking like the word “Struggle” went out and got a spokesperson. An ambassador of anguish, if you will. Looking like he died last week and everyone forgot to tell him. Bruh, see your life. Ain’t no amount of money worth your dignity being stomped on in such a grand fashion. Ain’t no coins good enough to be walking around like what it looks like when your life is a testimony of bad decisions compounded into a butterfly effect of utter fuckshit. If a movie were to be made about Dennis Rodman, it should just be called FAIL.

Honestly, I am fresh out of love for anyone on Team Trump. I don’t have a lick of niceness for them.

I had to take it to my folks of LuvvNation and people had them a field day.

Allison: Why is he wearing my mother’s sunglasses?? He’s seriously silk lounging pajamas and a Virginia Slims 120 menthol short of my mother circa 1978!

Linda: Y’all think his foundation shade is NC45?

Amanda: More like NK45.

Jen: Foundation? Pretty sure that’s just leftover bacon grease from the jar on my counter…

DeShawn: What mortician did they call in to do beat that mug? He looks closed casket ready! He looks like he needs a dose of Cipro. Like its been burning when he pees for 2 years now and he’s scared to tell anyone. #ThrowTheWholeThingAway

Erika: My aunt said she wants her sunglasses back. He didn’t even ask to borrow them.

Yaseminae: Ole smegma face beat to actual death ass

Kay: lmao….he look claymated

Nicole: I can’t look at him. I think imma turn into a pillar of salt

Michelle: He looks dead. Like bad funeral home makeup dead.

Aletrice: remember how use to troll around Fashion Island with his bad makeup?! This man is and has always been a physical representation of the “bottom of the pudding cup.” #TheORIGINALsunkenplacenegro

Maria: He is the poster boy for All Things No.

Anne: Oof, I can smell the embalming fluid from here.

Viva: Listen…The Ancestors have limits. When they revoke your Blackness, you look like bad claymation (re: Stacey Dash). They also abandon you in interviews (re: Kanye West). You are left to fend for yourself in the world, and this is that PSA.

Heather: Them Jackie O sunglasses though. I cannot.

Sherita: Ms. Rodman is channeling his inner Tammy Faye with that Casket Sharp #5 foundation. I was like “Negga Puleeze”.

Norma: Those are the glasses always left behind at the beach condo. The eternal “loaners.”

Tracey: Ohmygod, no. #bebest

Autumn: Why so much powder Dennis? That man’s face is beat to death. All he needs to do is lay down in a casket and let the slow singing and flower bringing commence.

Nina: Wakanda just issued a “no fly” order for this guy. He’s going to be seated next to R Kelly & Chris Brown.

Aprill: I have been trying to figure out who he looks like and it just wouldn’t come to me….then it hit me. He looks like Bebop and Rocksteady from the Teenage Mutant Turtles. And yes he looks like BOTH of them.

Nana: Foundation a little too light. Fenty is good for your skin, Dennis. Coon flawlessly.

Linda: He keeps crying like that and his foundation is gonna run. #dabdontwipe

Ebony: He looks like one of the lost souls in Coco who don’t have a photo on an ofrenda in living form.

Sue: Looks like he was rode hard and put away wet.

Deanne: He looks like a botoxed turtle.

Stephanie: couldnt get past looking at his teeth! I didnt hear a word he was saying…that brown behind the lip ring snatch all of my attention! What was he saying??

Annette: He needs to pick a struggle; bad teeth, bad skin, bad friends, bad politics, just bad everything.

Bridget: He’s all the reasons for using birth control. Alladem!

Cheree: He looks like a sentient penis foreskin..

Be: He built like a Casket Sharp Coon Ass Oreo

Tanya: Jesus be a Stacy and Clinton What Not to Wear makeover! #TheHorror

Darlene: He has been a fool his entire life. And when he wasn’t a fool he was an idiot. This is what that looks like made flesh and dwelling among us. Jesus be a healing.

Angela: The Worm looks like he’s been laying in a puddle after a rainstorm.

Adenike: Like I said to my homie. He looks like some extra ass Auntie doing the most at a funeral in those damn sunglasses

Gail: Advocate of Attempts, Agent of Averageness (Shoutout to Rick Sanchez), Attache of Aggravations, Broker of Breakdowns, Benefactor of Backing the Wrong Horse, Commissioner of Conk-Outs, Delegate of Decompensations, Deputy of Disappointments, Emmisary of Ennervations, Functionary of Flop-Outs, Go-Between of Goo-fasses, Handler of Honkifications, Intermediary of “Is this real life?,” Jockey of jackanapes, Know-it-All of Korean Clusterfucks, Proctor of Pay no Mind to, Middleperson of Malfunction, Minister of Missed Boats

Linda: The Pied Piper of Straitjacket. The Sultan of Crazymaker. Doctor of Deranged, Cukoo Cousin Gatherer.

Bless up.

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I don’t even play video games (anymore) but I might have to pick up what Tekken is dropping. They just released a trailer for the new movie and one of their characters is someone named Leroy Smith, who is the perfect prototype of Black Uncles everywhere. I know good and well someone Black works in Tekken’s design department because this dude is so specifically Noir that Chad and Brock surely didn’t come up with him. This gotta be someone rendering their favorite uncle, or creating a mashup of characteristics from each of their uncles and dads. Leroy is perfection.

A FB user by the name of DeMorris Edberson posted about this and I laughed so hard I snorted.

“Y’all….

They released this full body render of the new Tekken character, Leroy Smith. C’mon bruh….look at how clean this brother is.

He’s definitely somebody’s grandmother’s “friend”

You know he was a Kappa in school and was definitely on the step team too

He doesn’t show up to the cookout, but always gets fed because SOMEHOW the aunts end up taking him plates

Legally blind, but always magically compliments your lady when she changes her hair or nails

He doesn’t actually need that cane and only keeps it because it matches all his other accessories, and I bet he’s got different canes for all occasions

He made that R&B mixtape your mom cleaned the house to on Saturday mornings

Always wondered who that quart of frozen collards or squash was in the freezer for? Look no further.

He had that top custom made by Ms. Chow at the dry cleaners and he’s the reason they serve that special fried chicken at the Chinese restaurant next door in the shopping center”

After I laughed myself into a full on cackle, I realized this is nothing but truths. This man would DEFINITELY whoop everyone’s asses in Spades with a hand that is all Diamonds. I’m putting respect on him on principle. I know his locs are buttered with care and twisted with love.

Anywho, I dropped it on my Facebook page and LuvvNation ran with it, like only they can. I’ve laughed myself into hiccups over their shenanigans. See below:

Luvvie: He only talks in whispers because he thinks “anybody who needs to hear me will hear me.” And everyone surely does.

Marie: out of kindness, bc if he used his full voice, we couldn’t handle it

Erika: His full voice would make all other sounds unrecognisable… forever.

Luvvie: You know he smells like Old Spice and Versace cologne.

Shari: maybe Fahrenheit or Drakkar.

Syrena: Nah, he look like he wears Joop.

Jason: he’s old school. He’s wearing High Karate!

Susan: Pipe tobacco and one of the oil the Africans sell, the one that’s heavy on patchouli and sandalwood.

Shania: I think he smells of cinnamon and wild berries. Women and men both flock to him.

Jacqueline: He smells like cherry scented Afro Sheen and incense.

Jasmyn: He only goes to church on Easter and Christmas, but he still gets prime seating in the front row next to the First Lady (per her request ).

Sans: Who invited uncle Leroy to the cookout?

Luvvie: Who didn’t??

Nicole: shiiiiid do he need an invite??

Crystal: his invite is to infinity and beyond.

Nichole W.: He’s the reason for the cookout. He thinks “The family should come together.” No time or date but everyone shows up, on time, with sides (side dishes for those that don’t know what “sides” are).

Nichole R.: all the aunties hold their breath while he chooses which potato salad to eat. The winner wears that badge of honor until the next time he decides “the family should come together”

JTodd: He’s probably dating every legal generation within the family.

Adrienne: and they all know and don’t eeem care

Holly: And if anyone tried anything with any of those women he’d drop them.

Kiel: His theme music is the whole Innervisions album by Stevie Wonder.

Luvvie: Lowkey, he helped produce that album but that was in his “young” days.

Susan: Not a single child misbehaves around him. None.

Luvvie: They know better.

Holly: Nobody’s ever seen him discipline a kid- and yet, all the kids just know.

Sonya: All you have to have to do is say his name and ERRBODY straightens up!

Keidre: He’s the Old Man that Shirley had to call Barbara about.

DL: I can see why!

Danielle: He never repeats himself. Listen fast or catch up later!

Karen: Grandma ain’t NEVA available to watch the grandkids

Luvvie: Grandma booked and busy!

Michelle: Karen, would you? “Baby, Mimi has a church meeting tonight and trustee board meeting tomorrow.”

Danielle: hell, Mama ain’t available. He does not discriminate if you grown.

Darlene: I am Grandma. Grandma is me.

Chemere: Mr. Leroy got me thinking about buying him a short set. I just know he smells good and drives a clean Caddy.

Luvvie: You know he got a WHOLE closet full of short sets and matching hats

Michelle: with the matching lizard & ostrich shoes.

Iris: he definitely has the white linen outfits like he’s about to go to the Frankie Beverly and Maze Concert

Danielle: they put on concerts because of his linen

Ana: He sounds like Idris and Denzel and James Earl Jones

Luvvie: All combined.

Danielle:

Erika: you know that’s a QUE. grad chapter, but still….

Luvvie: He do got Q-Dog energy. Plus, them gold tipped shoes… that’s an Omega right there.

Grant: I’ll bet he keeps his pimp hand strong.

Luvvie: He STAY ready so he ain’t gotta GET ready.

KB: His second fighting look is a all white Chicago stepping linen set with some gold gators . A Red solo cup of Virginia black will come with the update patch .

Kacy: This is Mr. Leroy. Grandma Betty’s friend that she always goes to see on Friday night. Stay at the casino all weekend. We never actually SEE him
Just the pristine TownCar he picks her up in.

H Loretta: Zaddy probably got his own theme song. Betcha “Between The Sheets” by the Isley Brothers starts playing every time he’s around.

Genese: It looks like he can open all the pickle jars without tapping the bottom. And it looks like his handshakes hurt.

Gail: Uncle ‘Bruce Leroy’ Smith in town from LA visiting his nephew and namesake Lil’ Bruce. I’m here for it.

Yulanda: That’s grandma’s friend that always peels off a few bills, tells you to go to the ‘stoe’ on the ‘cornder’ for some penny cookies and orange pop. But you got to eat outside on the porch, stoop, or garry depending on what side of the Mississippi and how for south in Louisiana you’re from.

Susan: Oh, he is for sure good about giving kids some change. He was a stack of dollar bills outside of his wallet for that express purpose.

Shannon: He doesn’t joke much & all of his conversations are deep..He has seen & done some shit, but if he told you about it he’d have to kill you, so yall just real cool

Monique: He has a Cadillac even though he can’t drive it anymore, has a hat to match every single outfit he owns, and tells all the “young people” at the cookout that they “don’t know anything about this grown folks’ music”, every time September comes on. He listens to records and still has his eight track machine. And, if you don’t come correct, he’s quick enough to still snatch you.

Genese: It looks like he slams the domino sets hard AF on the table

Kiel: Ain’t nobody ever seen the inside of his house, but we all can imagine what it smells like.

Aisha: Looks like he would whoop everybody, no matter the game, situation, day, time & place.

Michelle: That cane doubles as a pool que.

Adrienne: He got golds in his mouth that have been there since you were born (1967 for me)

Jason: You know Morgan Freeman has already called his agent to get the part in the movie and his hair stylist to make his lacefront locs wig

Jan: Those sexy nostrils could smell the scent of a woman’s bone marrow. Oooooohesofine

MsCherie: He pulls up and Big Momma tell all the kids to go play in the basement and don’t come up till I come get you

Amaryllis: He just says Alexa’s name and she automatically dims your gramma’s lights and plays Barry White

Iris: You know he has a theme song…

Kim: By Isaac Hayes…

Monique: Or Earth Wind and Fire

Nicole: He steps in the room and you just hear the opening bars from Al Green’s “Can’t get next to you”. When Al was a sinner, before the grits, Lawd mi seh! (fans self)

Susan: He definitely uses the phrases “You dig what I’m sayin?” and “Those young cats over there…”

Jessica: When we walk into Heaven some people are going to be upset because this is what GAWD will look like. I don’t know about y’all, but I’ll be ok!

Sue: He was the head of security at the state mental hospital and his fox fur and black diamond mink coats were purchased by the human resources assistant and that night shift LPN who carried a pistol.

Tracy: THE ACCURACY!!! That LPN made the greens and Mac& cheese for all the job Xmas parties!!!

Sue: Yes she did! and the Jamaican lady made the corn souffle!

Monique: Also, why isn’t his last name Jenkins? If anyone is a Jenkins it’s him!

Erika: His family is from the islands and he went to school with Delroy Lindo.

Vicki: The “young guns” roll his blunts without being told. And God help you if you ask for a hit.

Kristi: He’s got two wives… one he never divorced and the common law wife he’s been living with the past 20 years…They both know about each other… but play their position and alternate months and weekends…

Kimmy: You just described my Daddy.

Stacy: Leroy always believed it was crazy for a man to date a younger girl, cause they don’t have “them good hips and sweet lips” like a woman with a little “season” to her. He is the reason your drunk aunt and your church aunt ain’t speaking and haven’t spoken for 18 years. Both have a son named Lee — one is 19, one 19 years and 3 months.

Miles: Black Jesus has HIS picture on the wall!!

Sigrid: He don’t even fight, he just 1, 2 steps and you lose health…

Alison: His finishing move is gonna be the hustle…

Mariotta: i’ma get back on my gamer shit just to choose him.

Honestly, I’m here for Leroy in all his badass glory. Tekken might have just secured a new demographic to play it. Well done.

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You know what is an everlasting bastard? When people fall from grace spectacularly. Y’all. A picture was circulating last week and I had to make sure it wasn’t photoshop. It was of baseball great, Sammy Sosa, standing on the streets of London and it scared the bejeez out of me. Just look at this:

BLOOD OF GIDEON AND EMMANUEL. WHAT IS THIS?!? Why is Brother Sosa out here looking like the ghost of self-hate present? Whappened?? Sammy looking like he wants to take my healthcare away.

At first, I was all “wait, maybe he has vitiligo. We can’t make fun of him if that’s the case.” But noooo, this bamma ain’t got nobody’s vitiligo. In an interview he did years ago, when someone asked him that, he said ”

“I use a cream to keep my skin smooth and soft. I apply it before I go to bed. When I was playing for Chicago all those years, I was in the sun a lot for 1 o’clock games. The flashes (from the cameras) also made my skin look lighter. I’m surprised with the controversy this has caused.”

Niglet, bye! Soooooo when you looked like an actual person and not the turkey we picked out to make on Thanksgiving, it was because of the sun? When you had that amazing broned skin, kissed by melanin magic, it was from camera flashes? My dude, you a good ass lie and the truth is not in you. I know bleached skin when I see it, because coming from Nigeria where it is far too common, that gray undertone is super familiar.

Those hands fought.

Why do people lie to terribly? The sun is somewhere like “I got power but Nah.” You ain’t ‘posed to be out here with skin looking like uncooked chicken, Sammy. This wasn’t supposed to be your portion. Someone on Twitter said he looks like a pinky toe and I almost DIED.

Of course when I shared this photo on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook fan page, y’all tried to kill me with laughter! I was hollering reading these comments.

Ebs: How is turning yourself into Mr Willis from The Jefferson’s ok  ????

Condesa:

Laura: He looks like his name is Chad and he’s reporting live from Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

K.D.: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Not even Fenty has a shade for that. #terrible

Luvvie: Fenty like “we ain’t got it.”

Janelle: Is he auditioning for a White Chicks remake????

Wise:  that bamma look like he sells Amway and Five Links. Sammy Sosa out here looking like a budget Jerry Lewis

Luvvie: CLEARANCE Jerry Lewis. The one that says “final sale”

Wise: Behind the beat up tagless shirts

Luvvie: And it says “As is with defects.”

Wise: Sammy Sosa, when getting it white ain’t quite right.

Venus: How did he end up looking like Jay Leno???  ????

Cee: Looking like a used car salesman

Nerlande: Looking like a used car.

Latisha: Baby, I thought this was dude who does the announcements on Jimmy Fallon……#irememberdarksammy

Havalen: Now he just looks like an old British man that knows where the best fish and chips shops are.

Marie: Hmm does this mean his “original flavor” baseball cards are worth more now or completely worthless? Any new ones will be uglass

Shaquane: Somebody said he look like a chubby Count Dracula  ????‍ ???? ???? ????

Eva: For people who bleach, I have questions… Like your belly button. Is it wasteful to put it in there? And your backside, you know… close to the nether regions… in the inbetween… do you just skip that? Inside the ears is that safe? The eyelids. When you blink, are those still brown? In the eyelashes… will you always look like you have on eyeliner? Armpits – is there a reaction with deodorant. I just wonder how much suffering is involved in trying to be white and such. There has to be a point where you say that between the burning and the clowning that it is just too much, right?

Deidre: Is that the new crayon color called Whink (white & pink)?

Angela: Omg I thought Chris Christie had lost weight!  ????

Eva: He’s clearly skipping parts. Dude behind him is wearing shorts. He got on EVERYTHING in his closet. Sweater, coat, hands in pockets, scarf… #FacebookForensics

Neesha: Sammy out here looking like Jake from State Farm.  ???? ????

Monique: I swear I thought this was someone’s #WayBackWednesday Halloween picture. He looks like he just stepped out of his vampiric slumber for a night out on the town.

Danielle: I call that shade newborn pink.

Carnell: This dude looks like Poppin’ Fresh without the hat.

Eva: Last question… what kind of theatrical makeup is he using to hide that ever present 5 o clock shadow he used to have? This whole thing has left me with nothing but questions.

JG: Who is that jolly white man?

Mark: Let’s see his elbows and knuckles see if he a patch work quilt

Tsipa: He looks suspiciously like my ex-husband…who is a pasty biologist from Yorkshire. Like, are we sure his name isn’t Simon? *compares wedding photos*

Didi: He is now unseasoned… Rest in Blandness.  ???? ????????‍ ????

Sabrina: He could be the ghost on Scooby Doo like “and I would’ve gotten away with if not for those pesky kids”

Shatani: he looks like the man on the Operation board game

Kayce: I literally thought this was dan ackroyd

Rob: Ish like this is the reason why people say, “on a scale of dominican to nigerian, how proud are you to be black”…. this right here.

Kiki: He looks like he smells like farts and cologne

Richard: Who aspires to look like Ted Cruz after dermabrasion?

Lydia: Maybe it’s not really him. Maybe this guy is some deranged fan who got plastic surgery to look like him and has the real Sammy chained in his basement. Because dayum…he done reverse engineered himself.

Christina: He looks like Ernest Borgnine. Wtf!

Gina: He is outchere looking like erased paper and evaporated milk. He is Pecola Brreedlove’s dream of whiteness granted by a malevolent and petty genie. He has destroyed perfectly good melanin for this clown arsed result.

Osoojee: I’ve never been able to look at Neapolitan ice cream in the same way.

Noelle: I worry that if someone touches his paper thin skin it will split open like rotten fruit

Kaye: And this fool is proud?! Lookin like some old dried up Elmer’s glue! Ole clay stick lookin a—!

Joy: What in the reverse Dolzeal…? 

Jane: As if we don’t have enough old white farts running around.

Monique: Sammy is the neighborhood HOA president, and he will rough you up.

Rick: He looks like you better bring the kids inside to play today.

Denise: Sammy looking like he purchased ALLLLL the tiki torches and khakis at target and brought them to Charlottesville.

Jacquie: You just KNOW he’s forgotten how to season food now.

Melissa: Wait a gosh dern moment. This fool wants us to believe he is dark because of playing in the sun??! This fool is Dominican. My Dominican friends don’t play baseball so why they still dark??

Lanene: Of all the things he could’ve done to himself on purpose like comb his hair or brush his teeth, he chose to change himself into an aging white man??? He must’ve forgotten that BLACK DON’T CRACK. BLACK Sammy, NOT white!!! Sheesh. Help em y’all cause I’m through!

John: That’s not Sammy Sosa that’s my mom’s weird cousin from her uncle’s affair who sells insurance and is a part-time youth pastor and swears he’s not gay even tho his dog’s name is Ms. Hepburn.

Portia: Bow your heads and lettuce pray. Sweet baby Jesus with hair like lambs wool and feet like potted brass, touch your once melanin rich child Sammy who has bleached himself into Biff from the Hamptons. Bring him back. Give him his own personal sun to tan him back to reality. Place him in the fire filled furnace. Give him 10 seconds of unprotected burn. He needs a miracle. We ask this in the mighty name of Black Jesus.

Jasmine: What in the actual f@$k? I have a question… Do the ancestors take away your anti-aging magic when you bleach your skin? Is he going to start aging like buttermilk and banana peels now that he’s denounced his melanin?

Judith: He looks like Nathan Lane and Bat Boy had a baby.

CJ: I mean, your face is beige but what about your genitals? Your booty cheeks? How you explaining this to a paramour?

Luvvie: OMGGG I hadn’t even thought about that. Is his peen chocolate while the rest of him is vanilla AF? How does that look in the dark?

Brittany: He looks like a whole Josh Gad.

Monique: Sammy Sosa went from Dominican baseball player, to Jewish uncle from Brooklyn.

Lynn: I showed this to my husband and he said it’s like someone had to describe Ted Cruz to a police sketch artist.

Yulanda: Sammy Sousa outcha looking like Grandpa from the Munsters.

Karen: This man said the camera flash makes his skin look lighter. *takes selfie with flash…nope, STILL black* Sammy, Sammy, Sammy….pobrecito

Teri: He’s going to play Chris Christie in the Lifetime movie.

Shonnese: He looks like a skinned peacock. Like, he and melanin got into a slap-fight and he lost…everything. He looks like life made a left turn when it realized Sammy Sosa was aiming for “shade not found in Fenty Beauty” as his ultimate goal. He looks like a rubber bath mat and regret. Bless.

Jennifer: This is fake news, right? I refuse to believe that this servant of the Night’s King, this White Walker right here, is Sammy Sosa. No, ma’am.

Haley: I need to know who even recognized him enough to take a photo! And we’re going to need A trip to Maury for a DNA test to determine whether or not this is the REAL Sammy Sosa.

Mak: Sammy looks like he needs to be seasoned, basted and put back in the oven for at least an hour or three. I know his giblets are already gone…

JaRonn: You say he’s Sammy Sosa? Ok, but why is he inside out?

Linda: No. Looking like a busted open can of biscuits.

Matt: Gurl he looks like the Penguin has done gone and impregnated someone. Come out the cave Sammy, the air is fine!

Crissy: Wow I had no idea this was Sammy Sosa. I thought this was some dude badly cosplaying as Sherlock Holmes.

Melissa: Sammy is whiter than most Southern debutantes I’ve ever met. Sammy just created a new shade for Fenty and is actively trying to get Rihanna to call him back. Sammy’s skin looks like it feels like the sole of an Old Navy $1 flip flop. By the way, who really thinks that Sammy bleached his dick? If I were his woman, that shit and its chemicals ain’t running up in me because… infections abound.

Merita: His inner eye where he can’t get the cream to bleach just freaks me out. It just looks like there is a black man hidden behind a mask that don’t fit quite right.

Tamyra: I’m concerned…..but I also bout wanna know exactly what he’s using. I could use a lil on these stubborn dark inner thigh meats.

Raja: He looks like Dracula’s first day out of the coffin since 1861 and he is trying to blend in with the commoners.

Shontae: That boy out here looking like Dan Aykroyd in Nothing but Trouble and a 3 pound pack of ground chicken.

Kristin: He fell all the way through the Sunken Place and now he’s looking like Bob about to get mauled by a demodog from the Upside Down.

Sylvia: What mother of the Usher Board did the Pillsbury Panda steal this scarf from? The self-hate is real in this one. Went from beautifully bronzed to pasty dough disaster.

Melissa: Sammy Sosa got stock in industrial strength Ambi cuz ain’t no way a camera flash did this. My dude been soaking in a tub full of this shit, twice a day, for years. Or he got some doctor who specializes in genetic manipulation and erased the melanin, but the side effect is that it gave him vampire-like properties – thats why we never see pictures of his ass out in the daytime, or eating garlic heavy dishes. Bet he never wears real silver jewelry either and hasn’t been inside a church in years.

Kevin: Sammy looking like a bottle of pepto and Ted Cruz mated and nine months later…..out pops Sammy’s long lost pink azz twin brother,Jammy Sosa. The real Sammy is in witness protection somewhere.

Esther: He was so cute as himself. He now looks like a carb-faced aging frat boy named Todd.

Shari: Oh my Lordt. I just laughed so hard reading this post that I tooted unexpectedly. #laughtulence

Carrie: This just straight up started a fight with me and my husband. He refuses to believe this is Sosa. I’m mad he’s doubting you. In Luvvie I trust!! But we’re both speechless.

Alicia: Y’all Sammy out here looking like the 100th copy of a Ross Matthew clone. The copy just isn’t as sharp as the original.

Vicki: Sammy looks like he hit that contour and highlight palette a little too hard then Photoshopped the phuck outta himself with a Big and Tall catalog photo.

Lori: So…when he gets naked he looks like he’s wearing a tan onesie? I mean, how must that look? Ooh, this is just….smh….NO, SAMMY, STOP.

Denisha: I am so tired of having to accept ppl with their new faces. We all need to band together and truly turn the other cheek when they come around looking unrecognizable. Change your name too because it’s just too hard to get over.

Ana: What the Vanilla Tootsie Roll hell is this???? I wouldn’t have known who this was if you hadn’t captioned that photo!!!

Courtney: He looks like a freshly shaved bear. Who lied to him and told him this was a good look? Did he not have enough for his hands? I have so many questions.

Kim: What in the cornmeal battered deep fried crispy f**k? He fell into the basement of the Sunken Place.

Lanene: Well if he was aiming for a white Christmas, he definitely hit his mark! #whodat

Courtney: It’s unfortunate timing to be going around looking like creepier Kevin Spacey.

Christopher: Looks like he’s about to wreck up NYC until the Ghostbusters show up.

Michelle: Looking like he belongs on a string of white Christmas lights. Just a whole replacement bulb.

Maria: Sosa out here looking like Trump’s dreams come true.

This is just highly unfortunate. We gon pray for Sammy. I mean, melanin has abandoned him now so we will be watching him starting to age like an avocado.

Parents, hug your children and tell them to love the skin they’re in. Cuz… nah.

The post Whose Ghost is This? Oh It’s Sammy Sosa appeared first on Awesomely Luvvie. Duplicating this content in entirety is expressly forbidden.

Everyone knows that cats are the patron saints of petty in the animal kingdom, so when I saw this photo from Imgur I had to share it on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page:

This is Jack. He got into a fight and ended up with a wound on his side. The Vet suggested a shirt as a less stressful approach to keep him from chewing it, rather than a plastic cone. Fun Fact: Most cats fit into baby shirts sized 0-3 months.

Basically, this cat is cool AF. And sick of everyone’s shit.

In the midst of Cheeto administration awfulness, this shady cat gave LuvvNation some joy and your comments had me howling!

Zuri: Jack is the CEO of a tech startup that has yet to go live on any product but has segways in the office.

Joy: Tell Jack I got this roommate named Foxy. She is single and ready to mingle.

Veronica: “Fun Fact: Most cats fit into baby shirts sized 0-3 months.” This is not information I needed to be aware of. I will not use it. I will not use it. I will not use it. I will not……. use……. *runs to Target in a cloud of smoke*

Marcia: For the record I don’t know any 0-3 month old that could rock this shirt with Jack’s aplomb.

Luvvie: They don’t have the swag.

Katya: Jack is obviously Janice’s pet. He’s tired of the bs, just like she is.

Luvvie: This is definitely Janice from HR’s cat.

Leah: This is the most Gen X cat I have ever seen. All he needs is a black coffee and a general air of ennui.

Gaye: And a man bun.

Leah: And a goatee.

Ambrey: And either a girlfriend wearing a sundress with tights and a winter scarf or a boyfriend named Gavin or Seamus.

Leah: “Of course I don’t have a smart phone. I like to actually talk to people. *rolleyes*”

Abbie: And of course, he plays ACOUSTIC guitar.

Leah: And rides a bicycle older than most of his co-workers.

Abbie: Or a unicycle.

Stacey: Wait, wait! No man buns for us GenX geezers.  I’m also over here giggling because everyone is *usually* bagging on the Millennials.

Leah: Or a pennyfarthing, which he rides on weekends in a three-piece suit.

Litisha: His voice is a mix of Niles and Frazier Crane. Lol

Angela: In 2017, we are all this cat.

Tamisha: Jack ready to fight.

Luvvie: He gon put some paws on some folks.

Gaye: See now that’s what got Jack in trouble in the first place.

Mandy: Jack got to Sephora too late for the Fenty dark shades of foundation.

Tulani: #thesepaws

Laura: Oh you have no idea the amount of paws and claws they gone get when they try to take that off 

Rachel: Jack is going to pick up that guitar and meow John Mayer covers until you fling your panties at him and scream.

Christine: Jack will be smothering you in your sleep. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow, or the next day. Watch yourself.

Danielle: Jack said not today. Do NOT bring the covfefe over thisaway.

Kandyce: Jack is planning to get his human back for this cute shenanigan and its gonna be epic lol 

Gaye: Jack dares you to say something about his shirt. In fact, “Jack” is short for Samuel L. Jackson Cat, and he has already dealt with several m%#&$ people with something to say about his m&@<$ shirt!

H: We all have been this cat since November 9, 2016.

K.W.: Oh, Jack’s got a few kittymamas in these streets. Bet.

K.W.: You know it’s true! He done rolled up on some unsuspecting calico with that collar popped….next thing she knows she’s stuck with a litter by her lonesome. #deadbeatcatdaddy

Candice: And asking for a caternity test. Maury, tell ’em that I ain’t them cats’ daddy.

Alisha: That cat was calm as Hell to allow someone to put the shirt on him. Also, his face screams “ALL MY LIFE I HAD TO FIGHT”.

Lysha: Jack has completely run out of damns, fucks and shits. #nopenottoday

Mrz: Jack doesn’t like all this new bullshit they call music now. Jack doesn’t drink no pansy ass foofy coffee. Just regular Joe. And you better give him a bourbon with a beer back. A REGULAR beer. None of that craft shit. And stay the hell off his lawn.

Kegan: Jack looks like he’s been hip to the latest IPAs before they were cool. And no, he doesn’t pay to get in because he totally knows the guy at the door.

Monique: Jack looks like he could use a shot of Hennessy. It’s been a hell of a day.

Suzana: That popped collar is everything.

Jasmyn: I’d be scared to square up with Jack. That stare though?

Carmen: Jack just wish a MF would…

Suzanne: Jack is like “bitch I would’ve preferred the cone. Wit dis bullshyt! You know this ain’t got shyt to do with no wound. This ’bout your damn 2017 holiday card.”

Zuri: Jack is ready to go to Starbucks and complain about how triggered he is by his bourgeois parents’ unrealistic expectations of him.

Zahnwhea: Saw this post. Immediately went to look through my daughter’s clothes for something for my cat to wear. 

Kenya: That baby is pissed to the highest of pistivity lol

Mak: Jack looks like prefers chilled scotch when he isn’t kicking other cat ass.

Melanie: Jack doesn’t always wear shirts, but when he does he rolls the sleeves and pops the collar. Jack is the most interesting cat in the world.

Diana: One of my boys is a neurotic over-groomer of his lower belly, and he has a kitty onesie. The difference between a kitty onesie and a baby onesie is a reinforced cutout for purposes of evacuation and $35. I should really learn to sew.

Carol: Y’all know good and damn well Jack was high af when he let someone dress him in this get up. Now he mad cause none of his homies stopped this Madness #paybackisgonnabeabeotch

Nicole: I love this cat. He’s giving everybody the “fuck you looking at” face. We all should be like Jack.

Nova: JACK IS PISSED. Apparently, you got the wrong color and pattern fool. How’s Jack supposed to go out like that in front of his friends? Dang it man!!!

Oona: Actually, I think the cat is more like “Get me outta this effing button-down shirt before I end you…”

LeQuenta: Jack is straight up saying “not today Satan…not today”

Felix: Jack is WEARING that shirt.

Eliza: Jack has been playing guitar for years. Jack could be the guy who pulls out a guitar at a party. But he isn’t because he doesn’t need your fucking validation, alright?

Michelle: Jack is being forced to watch Fox News and in the not so far recesses of his mind has cussed #45 for the whole of his remaining time in office for the dirty filth that lies beneath that urnge lacefront of shambles atop his head.

Jaquita: Jack is writing strongly worded letters to the HOA about his lawn care and has left all his f#@$ in his other shirt.

Paige: My boyfriend said it looks like he vapes.

Erika: This cat must have borrowed the shirt from one of those babies that works the swing shift down at the factory.

Anette: This cat is sitting in a Starbucks drinking a pumpkin spice latte and writing his 4th self published novel titled “#FightMeBitch: I’m cool as Shit.” He has a condo in Seattle, drives a 2015 Prius and only eats organic, free-range chicken.

Charlese: Looking like he’s about to rehearse the choreo for MJ’s Bad video. #WhosBad #JacksBad

Bridgette: Oh, Jeezus! They gave him a Tinder profile!  “Jack, 34. Sings and plays acoustic guitar. Girls think he’s sensitive and deep but he’s just “in it for the pussy.” Wears too much Axe body spray, smokes Camel non filters, Charles Bukowski is his personal hero. Reads in bars.”

Deidre: I would try this with my Kiwi, but she flopped over like she was dead when I tried putting a harness on her. She would really perform in a shirt.

Kanda: His name is Braxton, but the homies call him Brax.

Natasha: This cat takes its milk out of an avocado only.

Erin: He looks like a hipster who smokes French cigarettes and hates us all for being so pedestrian and uninteresting.

Jennifer: Hipster cat got the wrong latte. Hipster cat is unamused.

Jennifer: Plaid, really Mother? You could of at least bought me Burberry!!

Christina: This cat would go savage on that bird’s nest on top of 45’s ragedy ass head.

Jessea: John ‘Cougar’ Mellencat! ‘Ain’t That America’

Nicole:Please tell me this cat belongs to Maxine Waters.

Julie: That is the look of a cat that is going to shit DIRECTLY on someone’s bed. He ain’t havin’ it!!

Michael: Jack isn’t mad, he’s disappointed.

Clinton: Jack is an artist and he’s sensitive about his shit and dares a motherfucker to talk bad about his art.

Monique: #catbae 

Cool ass cat. I’m here for Jack.

The post Whose Cool Ass Shady Cat is This? appeared first on Awesomely Luvvie. Duplicating this content in entirety is expressly forbidden.

A couple of days ago, White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson addressed the nation to calm growing concerns that the Dunghole-in-Chief was in terrible shape health-wise. The doctor told us all that Mango Mussolini is in great health physically and mentally. He also claimed that the Fanta Fascist is 6’3″ and 239 lbs.

BRUH. The devil is a lie and the truth ain’t in him. Do not piss on me and tell me it’s Ginger Ale. If those ain’t #AlternativeFacts, I don’t know what is.

This. Pantyline.

Besides the fact that the Tang Tyrant survives on a diet of McDonald’s and KFC every single day, he is also seemingly allergic to exercise. The only running he’s doing is with his mouth and his tiny little fingers typing on Twitter. His arteries must look like a Los Angeles highway at 5pm: clogged up and ready to give up at any moment.

But also: 6’3 and 239 pounds??? BISHWHERE? Maybe on a planet with zero gravity. Why tell this lie? Sports Illustrated made a whole post about Athletes who are the same size as Donald Trump and it is perfect. Also, he is like 2 inches shorter than President Barack Obama, who clocks in at 6’1 so that doesn’t even make any sense!

I’m just here to say: the 45 Administration is full of lies and they gaslight us every single day. And YOU are not crazy. They are. I think it’s important to say this because as they lie to us boldly and terribly every single day, we might be tempted to question ourselves. We cannot afford to.

We are being told blatant lies, and we are being conditioned to accept the less outlandish ones since the others are so ridiculous. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. THEY ARE. Stand in that. Be confident of that. And fight like hell in November, by voting in midterms so we can get more of them out of office.

Toupee Fiasco walking around here shaped like a bag of dirty laundry. Just a hot ass mess. If that guy is a picture of health, who is 6’3 and 239 pounds, then I’m a Scandinavian princess who can dunk. We gon need his Girth Certificate post-haste.

Anywho, so I posted this on my Awesomely Luvvie FB page and LuvvNation went in!

McKenna: If Cheeto Satan is 6’3″ and 239 pounds then I am the identical twin Rihanna’s momma gave up at birth because she knew if there was that much awesome under one roof the whole damn thing would blow up. Sis better call me soon, we obviously need to combine our powers for good and save the world!

Melisa: If Twitler is 239 lbs then I am the Statue of Liberty, here to turn back time like Cher and return his mama back to Scotland. The only doctor that Trump sees is Dr. Pepper.

Celeste: Who will be the reporter who gets 86ed from a press conference for, “Mr. President, your physician states you’re in excellent health. When is the last time you could see your penis?”

Uppity Knitter: If 45 is 6’3 and 239 pounds. Then I knit all my projects using only one knitting needle, with yarn spun from the undercoat of the the elusive Black unicorn.

Kenisha: I think he’s every bit of 5’10”. Otherwise, why swing your tie around like a flaccid penis? 6’3” is a formidable height without doing all that…

Errica: If Cheeto Satan is 6’3 and 239 pounds, then I am the embodiment of white privilege. Kinks, melanin and all! #WheresMine #IDontGetPulledOver #WatchMeGetABankLoan

Lynn: If he’s 239, I’m going to the Olympics to do butt naked bobsledding. I ain’t even gonna use a bobsled.

Ty: and I’m an Idris Elba doppelganger. By the way, the doctor’s comments about “drying Trump’s secretions” to explain Dolt 45’s slurred speech sounds more horrifying than just about anything else in this report. Makes him sound like a weird Australian animal or an alien being held captive …which would explain a lot.

Keisha: If 45 is 6′ 3″ & 239 lbs, I’m Beyoncé’s body double when Angela Bassett doesn’t have have me booked to the max.

Nicole: I want to know EXACTLY what drugs are keeping Agent Orange alive. Seriously, we deserve to know the truth. This guy eats Mickey D’s and KFC on the daily and doesn’t exercise beyond pacing around his bedroom when he’s rage watching CNN. WHAT IS KEEPING HIM GOING? And nobody tell me it’s that he has Horcruxes. Dick Cheneymort has all the Horcruxes.

Robert: If this walking dumpster don’t stop with the lies. If he’s 239, I’m Dwayne Johnson’s long lost twin brother. ????

Karma: Also, they got his temperature wrong. No way that reptile had a body temp of 98.4. Unless the room was 103.4. I bet he runs at least 5 degrees colder than room temperature with a few degrees being channeled off to run hell.

Elizabeth: Because hot air weighs nothing. And he’s full of it.

H Loretta: And I’m as rich as Oprah….And Beyoncé’s long lost twin, twice as old and nine inches shorter- the most fraternal twins in history!

Eileen: If President Titler weigh 239, then it is true that people often stop me on the street because they mistake me for Pam Grier. Come on, folks, I’m taller and better-looking.

Tayo: Apparently you can eat kfc and mcdonalds only, look like the goodyear blimp and have a bp of 122/74….who knew?

Khira: Rachel Dolezal is black….. Trump is president AND physically fit…. Fugg it. I’m a mermaid.

Shania: I’m Wonder Woman using my invisible plane as a kiddie transport vehicle if he’s 239 lbs and 6’3”.

Yolanda: …and I’m Angela Bassett. I can sing like Whitney. I can dance like Teyanna Taylor and Janet Jackson. The Beyhive swarms for me. And my bank account rivals Warren Buffett.

Jolie: And I gave birth to Beyonce three days after I was born.

Debi: More like 339 pounds. That doctor was lying like a tacked down carpet.

Lori: If that fat f*ck is 6’3″ & 239 pounds, then I’m the Dowager Queen of Lower Sloblovia.

Kate: he’s hollow on the inside

Sharon: If he’s 6’3 and 239, I’m next in line for the English throne.

Dawn: I’ve seen 6’3 239lbs. That ain’t him! He just described Jason Mamoa!

Nicole: This penguin-looking blankety-blank! He probably meant his cholesterol was 239.

Hadda: If he’s 239, I’m Marilyn Monroe.

Ronica: And I’m the Queen of Wakanda

As we all are, sis. As we all are.

The post If Cheeto Satan is Healthy, Then I’m a Scandinavian Princess Who Can Dunk appeared first on Awesomely Luvvie. Duplicating this content in entirety is expressly forbidden.

You know we’ve been talmbout BLAXIT for awhile. Oh you ain’t know? Catch up and read my past BLAXIT posts (#BLAXIT: Things We’re Taking With Us If We Leave).

Anywho, when we leave this joint, we are going to re-settle in Wakanda, land of the abundant melanin, vibranium and no caucasity. In this land, we will not deal with bullshit and triflingness. With that being said…

The worst people in the world are the ones who don’t know they’re terrible. The Pied Piper of Piss, R. Kelly, needs to know his gahtdamb place, and it ain’t in anywhere that is supposed to be safe for women and girls (aka Earth). Being a professional predator and pedophile excludes him from our reindeer games, rightfully. That hapless niglet is running a cult of women, uses teenage girls as his pillow and is basically the cartoon version of a rapist. He is so gross.

So when he fixed his fingers to type that he wanted to get on a flight to Wakanda, 1,000 archangels harped “NO” in unison. Old wayward ass, no broughtupsy-having ass symbol of toxic masculinity and lost causes.

WHAT WE ARE NOT GON HAVE, R-RAH, is your creep ass, in the holy land of Wakanda, where melanin is aplenty and the women will whoop your everlasting ass.

So I quickly offered up this prayer, since the devil is surely busy.

Fatha Gawd, we come before you today to block the entry of enemies of progress and pedophiles into the sacred land of Wakanda! You said weapons would form but let them not prosper in this land. May fools like this stay trapped in the closet to nowhere when we #BLAXIT. We rebuke and reject him, in YOUR glorious name. AMEN! Let us touch and agree, because where two or more gather, nothing Robert Kelly does will win.

My audience had some words too when I posted this on my Facebook page.

Sili: Sir, let me explain. NO. Also: WE GOOD. For more information feel free to read all about the documentation needed to go to Wakanda. You can find it in the “We Don’t Pee Freely” section of this pamphlet. If you have any questions or concerns, please direct them to booth #1 where the lady with the bald head and the red and gold alphet is standing not smiling at us.

H Loretta: Now THIS is a time that I will gladly pay for a wall…

Tonya: We bind and rebuke this pissy devil in T’Challa’s name…..Amen

Shinita: No thank you Pissmonger. Someone send out a cat-signal to the Dora Milaje #WakandaICE

Jasmine: Nah you know what? Let him come. Take care of this once and for all.

My Queens!

Natasha: Sis, I’m grabbing the razor as we speak and getting in formation. I’m HERE for it!!!

Carla: You right. If anyone dares inquire about his whereabouts, we will politely inform them that we do not extradite criminals, but we have dealt with his crimes. #WakandaForever

Tonya: “speak nothing of this day.” ????

Michelle: Skewer him at the border or may his plan land safely in the mountains Father God. Amen.

Amy: Somebody put EXTRA security around Shuri, STAT!

Ty: Shuri would already have anti child-molester weapons at the ready.

Jane: Shuri is too old for him.

Holly: I’m pretty sure Shuri could turn him into a hat without blinking so….

Latisha – R. Kelly: You gone let me in or nah.
Dora Milaje: We will kill you first before we let you in, outsider.
R. Kelly: You’d really kill the Pied Piper of R n’ B.
Dora Milaje: For Wakanda… without question.

Luvvie: For Wakanda, for a random Monday, for a quarter…

Holly: Does ANYONE want R Kelly at this point besides the 90s?

Autumn: The 90s would probably send him back too if they could find the shipping info.

Ty: give the Dora Milaje 3 minutes with Kelly. Not that fighting the Dora Milaje would grant him access, but I want to see these women launch a coordinated attack and beat the unholy f*** out of Kelly.

Melissa: One minute is enough.

Ty: But three is more fun.

Michele: They wouldn’t even need a coordinated attack. The Dora Milaje trainees could handle Kelz

Alisa: All praises to the most high who stands above and looks below. Fatha Gawd we come again to humbly ask that you hermetically and permenantly seal aformenetioned closet so that the darkness now contained within will never ever ever ever permeate the land again. Amen.

Kaye: #inwakanda broke pedophiles answer to Lord M’baku.

Portia: I’m not sorry to inform you R(apist/pedophile that you are NOT welcome in Wakanda. Our young girls are precious to us. They are taught to respect themselves and more importantly that pee belongs in toilets. Please take your ass back home. If you stay you will be fed to my best friends Aunties cousins children. They are Not vegetarians.

Robbin: He just got evicted from 2 rental homes in Atlanta, where the Delta flights leave Hartsfield Jackson Airport to Wakanda. We got him on the run. WOW (Women of Wakanda) must block and exterminate this malevolent force in music.

Monikka: Good lawd. When they said Wakanda had a golden city, this is not what they were trying to attract. Bye Peepee Pedo!

Michelle: Bless every harpoon with poison laden tips. And oh fader’god’n’hebbum, bless the aim of the harpoonist, allowing them to land that poison tipped harpoon right betwixt his hot butt cheeks.

Shanda: He done already got evicted in Atlanta. This is the remix to his extinction hot and fresh out the kitchen. We rolling down the run way got his creepy ass wishing ????????

Christina: I imagine Rachel Dolezal wants to be on that flight to Wakanda. LuvvNation shouts in unison…”hell to the naw!!!!”

Christine: Oh no, R., honey. You stay home in that closet. Wakanda is not for you. Jail is for you.

Kim: On behalf of those who support you, may I just say – we dont want him, either. Please dispose of your trash when you leave. If there’s room left when we dispose of ours!

June: He shall not pass and despoil our sacred land of Wakanda! Back foul beast of Bump ‘n Grind!

Crystal: Someone grab the can of Raid!!!

Nina: He might *believe* he can fly, but he’s on the #NoFlyList in Wakanda.

Carisa: If you ain’t invited to the cookout here, you fa sho ain’t getting into Wakanda!

Courtney: I’ve been there, and have the passport stamp to prove it! He banned, along with Omarosa and Clifton Powell

Stacey: Him and Stacy Dash’s flights are getting DE-Layed!

Tairea: The chariot is not swingin’ low for you, bruh ????????????‍

Wakanda NEVER for this shameless heaux.

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Have you bought my NYTimes-bestselling debut book I’M JUDGING YOU: The Do-Better Manual? Haven’t ordered it yet? Now’s your chance. You’ll love it. Amazon. Barnes & Nobles. iBooks. Audible (I narrated the audiobook myself). Kobo. Books-A-Million.

The post R. Kelly Gotta Know His Wayward Ass is Not Welcome in Wakanda appeared first on Awesomely Luvvie. Duplicating this content in entirety is expressly forbidden.

First came the most expensive frock on the Oregon Trail. Then came the uglass skants (skirt pants). And now I’m convinced that fashion designers are just trolling us on purpose to entertain themselves, because look at this mess.

What in the tacky ass caucasery hell is this?!? Birkenstock has gone TOO FAR. As if those sandals weren’t bad enough. Now they’ve been turned into *gasp* BOOTS! These bastards have the nerve to cost $329 too. WHY LAWD. $329 real dollars, not Monopoly money. Talk about adding insult to tackiness.

LuvvNation went OFF about these boots from hell on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook page and I got my life.

Rella: When even Jesus knows that Winter is Coming. It gets cold in that valley of the Shadow of Death sometimes.

Luvvie: And He shall fear NO evil.

Debbie: He fears no evil but He fears these ugly shoes.

Sonya: Because evil don’t even wanna touch that!

Kristen: Nah, these gotta be why He flipped the tables in the first place. 

Hudson: I’m gonna say it just this once #NotAllWhitePeople

Luvvie: LMAO! I’ll allow it this once.

April: #onlywackwypepo

Pearl: Only the ones with ZERO black friends… like seriooosly… but low key they DO look super warm and cuddly!! #dontjudgeme

Jennifer: I saw the top and was like “I’d wear the— WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK IS THAT ON THE BOTTOM?”

Vee: All it needs is a Croc sole and the trifecta of ugly will be complete!

Abbie: Did someone out there decide that socks with sandals just wasn’t quite ugly enough?

Hudson: Me if I see y’all in these

Hudson: Crocs come get your cousin Uggenstock Frankenshoe.

Bitsy: Speaking for the melanin challenged, these shoes are a crime against God and man. #notallwhitepeople.

Megan: The owner of these boots drive a Subaru where the back of the car is full of dogs. They gasp in horror behind me in line at Trader Joe’s because I forgot my reusable bag. They can hardly wait to tell me that they are vegan.

Julie: I bet they have an Etsy shop and sell essential oils.

Pearl: And they are free range parents!

Laura: Exactly. And buy pumpkin spice lattes like they own stock in Starbucks. Heck, maybe husband Chad does own stock in Starbucks.

Abbie: But they pair so beautifully with her 100% renewable resource, vegetable dyed organic hemp pants.

Nicole: Damn. After my stomach cramped from laughing I felt really bad for my old Subaru sitting outside. She’s offended by these boots.

Jamie: I’m sitting in my Subaru reading this and had to double check my shoes. (Cute shoes, WHEW, that was close)

Abbie: I’m thinking these would fit better with an El Camino. They display the same kind of indecisiveness.

Ciara: It’s like a birkenstock had a baby with an ugg boot.

Sherean: Like a Birkenstock had two sperm donors -one is an Ugg and the other an orthotic boot

Sylvia: Berki got drunk and don’t know who the daddy is.

Annie: Birkenfuggs

Ciara: Fuggenstocks

Andrea: I think a dad from Portland invented these.

Luvvie: Highly possible. He also wears cargo pants that unzip at the knees to become cargo shorts.

Katie: Portland, checking in. I have to say no to your theory, as the fabric on these would be a soggy, horrible mess in the rain. Otherwise, it’s a totally plausible theory, haha. Perhaps a Berkeley person invented them? The Ugg-ish part is very California.

Mikki: For white girls whose toes actually get cold.

Robyn: No no, no, noooooo! My toes could freeze smooth off my foot, but at least I would have my pride. A toeless foot and my pride. At least my pedicures would be cheaper.

Rebecca: What is the point of those?

Luvvie: To piss us all off.

Marilyn: Birth control.

Etoiles: Last day on the job, “what can I design and push through to production before I quit this trash heap crunchy company…”

Jim: Sandals come pre-loaded with socks now?

Khadijah: These are those Wun Wun 9’s

Kristie: Hi, I’m white and I love comfortable shoes and I apologize on behalf of all white people who don’t know how to draw the line between being going out and being comfortable and just deciding it’s best for society if one just stays home.

Sabrina: But thank y’all for Snuggies!!

Jeanine: It’s LIT! As in, where’s the flammable liquids and Zippo? This needs to die and it needs to be killed with fire.

Louise: What’s the problem here? These boots are specially made for middle aged ex-hippies in Berkeley who have to relocate to Maine Bc Nana Spudenfork fell down the front steps when she was reaching for her Readers Digest and broke her hip. She can no longer go to the bathroom by herself and Uncle Tanner, is all “I ain’t havin’ none of it!” and “you have no life so get up here” and so Willow Moonstruck has to quit her Woke Women Wednesday Knitting in Protest group and give up her futon to the reiki instructor down the street and move to Maine. BUT SHE STILL FOUND A WAY TO WEAR HER BIRKS.

Monique: How much pumpkin spice does one have to ingest to find this a good idea? Are they snorting it? Are they injecting that unicorn frapp foolishness? How does this happen? I have some serious questions. Somebody get their spokesperson, Mr. Sosa, on the phone.

Christen: I’m just about as transparent as a human can be, complete with freckles and the ginger mop, born from and raised by some pot-growing hippies who washed their faces with Zest bar soap and even I would never don these footwear abominations!

April: A Birkenstocking? What do you fill it with, shame and regret? Or are they sandals for UGGlass feet? No, my sandal feet ain’t ready. Hide my negligence.

Bernadette: I’m not taking responsibility for these… I’ve already got Taylor Swift, this is just a step too far.

Shonnesse: These are known as the Earth Biscuit Crunchy Cult mid-rise boots. They are for your vegan, organic, musty garlic/curry smelling, armpits that resemble a Monchhichi in a headlock, legs that a reminiscent of Sasquatch standing in a cool summer breeze, Beloved Patriarch Jim only allows us Sister-Wives to wear bibbed dresses and doilies in our tightly-bunned hair, I don’t know how to tie a shoe anyway, special kind of people.

Ebony: But look at the Traction on those High Top Brushed Cotton Sneakerbootshoes ….you can run straight up to heaven and not slip.

Ajah: I just feel like these shoes (boots? sandals? shandals? sandboots?) are trying to find themselves and we should give them the space to do so. Like, a WIDE berth, though…

Joy: They look comfortable. Reminds me of 20 years ago when I wore Birkenstock sandals with socks, African head wraps, and burned incense. What a time to be alive. I love them. I want some for Christmas.

Angel: I respect your frankness. I wear Birks with socks. I’m not ready to commit to a one-piece knee sock/shoe arrangement, tho.

Judith: I’m paler than moonlight and I do own a pair of Arizona sandals but this is even too white for me. Great googly moogly, those are horrific!

Marilyn: UGG and Birkenstock combo? Why the fuck not go ahead and throw some kind of Croc feature in there? DAMN that’s ugly.

Julie: Can we stick a kitten heel on those heaux shoes so the people that choose this abominable footwear break their ankle?

Chinyere: What in the Starbucks drinking, culture appropriated dirty locs, rusty Schwinn riding,  looking, having, wannabe bullshit ass feminist, polygamy compound living bullshit is this!?!!

Hilary: As a member of the caucasery, all I got is – I’M SORRY. But damn these comments.  It was worth it that these are a thing just to read the comments!

Erika: Now we know what happens when you put your Uggs and your Birkenstocks in the closet, together. #neveragain

Natalie: These are hysterical…just need to wear them with a crop jacket with the fur hood and yoga pants #vancouverstylepoints. SMH…this is a lesson in “be careful what you ask for.” Done complained too much about Ugg’s…got Birkenstock like “Hold my beer.”

Rachel: I need for Michael Clarke Duncan to rise from his eternal slumber for one last “Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby.”

Scott: These are definitely the preferred footwear of the White Walkers in Game of Thrones. This ish needs to stay beyond the wall.

Kathryn: Now that I know Birkenstocks and Ugg can mate and create horrors I’m eyeballing all the shoes I own. Imma spend the day on Pinterest figuring out how to organize and isolate my shoes lest this happen in my entranceway.

Sylvia: Worn by people who show up late to Friendsgiving with small tub of store bought potato salad and greens from Needless Markups yet bring copious amounts of empty Tupperware and load up their leftovers before everyone gets their plate. These have the mark of the beast and anyone wearing them should be immediately throat punched and sprinkled with holy water.

Rhonda: Let us now celebrate the multipurpocity of the vocabulary word “caucasery”…
Is that pronounced caucaSERY?- as call the caucasery and tell them to come get Becky with the fugly boots….
Or is it cauCASery? Like rachel dolezal had the caucasery to try to be trans-racial….
Or is it CAUcasery- they got all the hateration holleration in this Caucasery…
I await thy reply so I may use this word in haste oh great Goddess of shade vocab….bless thee for giving life to my petty!

Ashlee: Almost spit wine everywhere at “caucasery hell” because that is the only phrase that can describe this monstrosity.

Kevin: Them those Air Skywalkers that old whyte azz Luke Skywalker was sporting on that ice planet back in the day day. Elmer in marketing must have been tripping on the good powder again. #lastseenonplanethoth

Kim: That Star Wars Hoth ice station cosplay, tho…

Sili: This person has never tasted bacon and judges us for harming the world. They just bought that new VW van and will tell anyone that listens that they were conceived in one. Also: they eat kale every day and have the physical inability to give a side eye due to their low iron and propensity for lightintheassness.

Therese: Three hundred and twenty-nine dollars for this fuckery?? I know in which suburbs these will be all the rage…obnoxious, over-privileged white girls who will be impressed based upon the price tag. Listen up, fellow white folk – it is not necessary to blow $329, just to prove you are rich…AND, DUMB.

Linda: I live in Florida. It gets chilly here. I will not subject my feet to these ugly ass boots. And mind you, we love wearing boots the four days a year we can wear them. Not these, though.

Mosha: Those are mulloots. Made for those summer days and winter nights. They keep Debbie’s cankles warm while she rocks her ripped booty shorts (sans booty), crop top with matching bland chicken tan cardigan. This seasonless alphet is usually worn when heading to Twin Peaks with bae for a few cool brews.

Jennifer: There is a trust fund crunchie art major on campus ordering these with a credit card her mom pays for telling her friends she “doesn’t care about money” right now…

Alia: I have massive problems with my feet, and in summer I live in Birks despite the fug b/c they work with my issues. These? There are a big Nope. And the addition of the boot portion actually means they wouldn’t work for my feet anyway, the way it’s shaped. So they are ugly AND nonfunctional.

Cynthia: For basic girls who can’t decide whether to wear their UGGs or their retro Birkenstocks to hangover brunch on Sunday mornings, now they don’t have to choose!

Karen: Mark my words, you will see somebody rocking those things with a miniskirt or some shorts on and a scarf. They’ll also probably be drinking a pumpkin spice latte.

Lena: Well, you never know when tickets to the moon are gonna be cheap and you gonna NEED these boots to hold you down when that gravitational pull tries to sling you all over those moon rocks!!

Fe: That’s a post-foot-surgery boot……right?

Sharon: I’d like to apologize on behalf of white people with taste. We have no idea how these were unleashed on the general public. Be assured that if we find out who did this, they will be appropriately dealt with in a timely fashion. #smdh #iaintgottimeforthisnonsense

T.J.: I’m mad because if the dumb straps weren’t on the foot part, they might be cute. Doing the damn most.

Brenda: It’s like a toddler who wants to wear multiple pairs of shoes at once except somehow an adult didn’t step in and correct that mess.

Kitza: These boots have added gasoline to the rage smoldering within me. They are the straw that has broken my back. How much more are we expected to tolerate before we take to the streets?

Candace: For the abominable snowman who also has an undergrad from Berkeley.

Kimberly: I can see all 12 disciples wearing these in a blizzard.

Tara: Looks like Granny put on her compression socks and her “house shoes” at the same damn time. A mess…

Carrie: These go beautifully with kale and Satan.

Adrienne: Perfect for Coachella on the North Pole.

Bree: I live and die by Birkenstocks because feet hate me, but this gets a resounding HELL NAW

Alisa: Even Eskimos are like…Nah I’ll take frostbite on these toes for $200 Alex.

Kristyn: When you have to walk on water at 8 and be a Sherpa at 9…

Pam: This looks like some “As Seen On TV” white people solution to Midwestern bipolar weather.

Carly: Personally, I see this as a useful tool for identifying people I don’t need in my life.

LAWD. These are terrible. These are a shame. SHAME.

The post Whose Idea Were These Terrible Birkenstock Boots? appeared first on Awesomely Luvvie. Duplicating this content in entirety is expressly forbidden.

Sometimes it’s fun to reminisce about the good ol’ days of social media and being online. You know? Before we realized the people who created it are basically Voldemort, planning world domination with our data. Young folks today don’t even know how much things have changed in such a short amount of time.

I joined Facebook in July 2004, 5 months after the evil genius Mark Zuckerberg created the platform as a sophomore at Harvard University. I, too, was a sophomore, but at the University of Illinois. Because he opened TheFacebook.com (hehehe the) to Harvard, then other Ivy Leagues, and then Big Tens, I was able to sign up.

I’m “I’ve been on Facebook since you couldn’t even upload a picture besides your profile icon and you were excited when they activated walls and the only way you could get on is with an Ivy League or Big Ten university email address” social media years old. I’m “I spent my lunchtime at school in the lab customizing my BlackPlanet page and picking the right cartoon girl wearing baggy pants” social media years old. I’m “I’ve been on Twitter since the fail whale used to show up once an hour” social media years old.

Remember this dude?

I’m “I’ve been on Facebook since you couldn’t even upload a picture besides yours profile icon and you were excited when they activated walls” social media years old. I’m “I had a Google Wave party and had so many people in there the app crashed” social media years old. If you’re like “what’s Google Wave?” then it is my obligation to chase you off my lawn. I’m “My first blog was on Xanga” social media years old.

Of course LuvvNation joined in the conversation on Facebook (because meta) and your replies had me cacklin.

Tara: I’m “this was social media in my day” years old:

Alicia: I’m “html coding my myspace background to make sure i had the latest twinkling stars and bubble letter graffiti” years old.

Elan: I’m “I’ve been in chat rooms since my 400 megabyte computer with a monitor that could display 256 colours had to go shhhkkkkkkrrrr​kakingkakingkakingtsh​chchchchchchchcch​*ding*ding*ding* to connect to the internet” social media years old.

Carmen: I’m “nobody pick up the phone because I’m using the internet!” (to post a/s/l) social media years old.

Ambar: My brother was a ho in life so nothing was worse than ALL his girlfriends calling the house and knocking me off the internet every 20 minutes.

Torrie: I’m “my Twitter handle is just my first name” social media years old.

Bianca: I remember when it rolled out to Texas A&M in 2003 or 2004. I low key was salty when you didn’t need the .edu email and they let high schoolers get on.

Ricky: I’m still mad about that. Little ass kids trashing the joint and older people sending me damn chain letters all the time.

Jennifer: I’m “I’m still mad my sister taught my mother how to Facebook” years old

Jessica: We were like “there goes the neighborhood” when you no longer needed a college email to join.

Monica: It came to A&M in 2004. I remember because I was a sophomore and was like “I’ll never be part of that stupid ass Facebook”, then I got bored over Christmas break and one thing led to another and here we are.

Heather: When you had to choose your fb status from a drop down list.

Ajani: I’m “I met my husband online and we’d chat on ICQ, when my roommate didn’t need to use the phone” years old.

Maya: I’m “get a random-ass free CD in the mail to download the software to start AOL” years old.

Betsy: And what about icq? Or trying to download a song from Napster using dial-up? You would leave 5 songs downloading, go to class, come back and it was still trying to download #4. The good old days…

Amanda: And if someone called your landline in the middle of that and interrupted your download?!?! There was HELL to pay!

Summer: I’m knowing how to start a computer from Dos years old!

Erin: I’m “check out my play list and purple butterfly background on my MySpace page” years old. And then get mad I can’t do the same thing on Facebook, but I can poke people.

Dedria: I had a rotary dial phone in college at Grambling. The pay phones in the hallway in the dorm that everybody used and one of the girls who happened to be walking by answered the phone and came knocked on your door to tell you your Mama was on the phone years old.

Amanda: Never heard my sorority house as quiet as it was the night FB started allowing pictures to be uploaded.

Kim: I’m “when I started college, you still had the option of turning in hand written assignments” years old.

Yolie: I am “listening to vinyl but thought I was doin somethin when I was ordering 12 for 12 CDs from Columbia House / BMG” years old.

DeShawn: Hell, I’m “social media was message boards years old.” *cues dial up sound*

Yulanda: I’m “having a $900 phone bill from BellSouth because they hadn’t figured out that dial up was not a long distance phone call. Then I had a $900 credit” years old.

Debra: I’m “remember Netscape?” years old.

Drea: I’m “I used to hang out in AOL chat rooms” social media years old.

Alexandra: Honey did you have a Prodigy account? I feel so old, cobwebs are up in my lady business. a former fiance of mine had a party line for his phone number, babe.

Sabrina: I am “we had all 100 volumes of encyclopedia Brittanica, you better take your ass to the library to research your paper and type it on a word processor then print it on paper you have the tear the sides off “ years old lol

Eboni: I’m dialing numbers so when you flip your pager upside down it’s a message old. I’m US Cellular Unlimited incoming calls, 1500 outgoing minutes, free after 9pm, no color screen, no internet for $30/month old.

Camille: I’m “AOL CD dial up on your work laptop bc personal computers were too pricey” old. Back when the internet had manners and your main chat room was “Black Voices” and the city you were in.

Aramide: I’m “I carried around every CD I owned in a huge CD binder/folio along with my giant portable CD player and headphones that didn’t fit into nan pocket” years old.

Traci: I remember when the “newsfeed” feature started and everyone was so upset that everyone could see everything they posted.

Ebone: I’m “I remember setting up multiple trial AOL accounts just to take advantage of the free 100 hour promo CDs” social media years old.

Nefertari: I’m “beep boop boop beep boop beep boop blip scratch beepboop brrrr breeeeee brrrrroop ding-ding-ding-BUZZZZZZZGRRRRRRRR-ding bing bong bing bong bing bong beeeeeeeeeeep beeeeeeeeeep boop YOU’VE GOT MAIL!” old.

MeMe: I’m “I was on BlackPlanet, spending hours customizing my page, signing other folks guestbook, before there was even a Facebook, still on AOL” years old.

Audrey: I’m “Computers were so new when I went to college that you had to go to the library to use them” old. I’m also “I remember dial-up” old.

Lindsay: I’m “I still say mapquest when I’m really talking about google maps” old.

Regina: I’m “Typed in the wrong code for the background on my Blackplanet page and had random symbols and letters scrolling from left to right but lost my password and never fixed it” years old.

Daco: I’m “Turn up my Mary J. Blige TAPE in the background while I record my answering machine” old because there is no digital voicemail/email!

Chemere: I’m “BlackPlanet, MySpace, and AOL/Excite chat rooms, had to for real be in college for Facebook” years old.

Tasha: I’m “I had a College Club account I could only access in the campus computer lab” old.

Kim: I’m having a different AOL email every 30 days when the free trial ran out years old.

Nancy: Remember the “Flair” pins?

Christina: I’m Compuserve years old… AOL chat room years old…AND Napster years old. It was lit!

Tessie: MySpace was the best thing ever. That’s my age.

Lauren: “I played Oregon Trail in school during free time and thought it was so decent” years old.

April: I’m “yall stole all this shit from Blackplanet” years old.

Christina: I’m “AOL didn’t even exist till I was in college” years old.

Lynn: I’m “computer games were played on multiple floppy disks” years old.

Courtney: I’m “made tripod/geocities pages with my message board friends over dialup” years old.

Harmony: I have emails in my university inbox from “The Facebook” circa 2004.

Andrea: I guess I’m “Carry around 25 cents for a phone call” years old.

Franchesca: I’m “I had a Tandy computer from Radio Shack” years old…

Kaye: Been on Facebook since your ONLY friends were those on your college campus!!

Karen: I am “honey you need to take that AOL address off your resume if you want employers to think you’re relevant” years old.

Jennifer: “First tried online dating when people still thought it was “safer” to meet someone by answering a newspaper classified dating ad” years old. #genX

Ana: I’m “didn’t have email in college, cause it was still only used by the military at the time ” years old

Drea: I’m “I’m so glad they didn’t have social media when I was school” social media years old. #mymemorieswouldhavebeenahotmess #changerelationshipstatuseveryhour

Read this thread on Twitter for other people’s social media ages.

How old, in social media years, are you?

The post I’m “I Had a Xanga Blog” Social Media Years Old appeared first on Awesomely Luvvie. Duplicating this content in entirety is expressly forbidden.