All babies are precious and beautiful and all that good stuff. Let me state that out the gate. So yesterday, I was scrolling through Facebook when I came upon the picture of a newborn who came out the womb at 15 pounds. FIFTEEN POUNDS. Look:
Jesus be a fence around this baby’s mother’s Love Pocket. May it recover, in His MIGHTY name. I IMMEJATELY started doing kegels upon seeing the picture because I got stressed by proxy. Goodness. I mean.
This is gon be what Brienne of Tarth and Tormund Giantsbane’s baby looks like. Just large and in charge from birth. Baby came out the womb talmbout “young whippa snappers don’t show no respect.” He meant any newborns under 11 lbs. Whew. Running that nursery FROM JUMP.
And the kicker is that they say this baby was born natural. No C-section or nothing! JAYSUS.
So I posted this pic on my Awesomely Luvvie Facebook fan page and my chill-deficient ass people had me howling like a wolf at full moon with their comments.
* JESUS BE A NEW TESTAMENT EPIDURAL!!!!! – Imani
* This baby walked out of his mothers vagina with a career and bills. He’s even scowling at the bottle because he knows that’s not enough. If she breastfed him he would gnaw her boobs off thinking its steak and potatoes. This grown man isn’t fooling anybody. He got fed up with paying Sallie Mae and has miraculously caught Benjamin Buttons disease. Slay, young baby man…. – Sheena
* He was born needing cataract surgery and a monthly retirement check. – Tracy
* This is what it sounds like when my ovaries cry. – Amber
* I literally just fell out my bed. #kindalikeheruterus – David
* Why tf he born with the weight of the world on his shoulders!? Lawd help this man baby! – Loren
* That is a toddler. His feet are as big as mine and I wear a 10.5 – Dene
* That child would never live this down…I would bring it up during every argument, disagreement, discussion, play date, Parent teacher conference, career day, graduation speech, college applications, job interviews, wedding day toast… – Janeen
* I was 10lbs 10oz, I’m 32, apparently my mother still has back pains from labor, go figure. – Janelle
* That child better learn to give his mama a good foot rub and not even roll his eyes when she asks! – Mandi
* ‘Hodor’ to my birth canal coz nope. – Stella
*cries*
* I’ve had FIVE kids, and my tubes are tied now. And yet, my uterus still pulled the rolling shutters down and said “Not today, bitch.” – Tracy
* Y’all peep the nurse isn’t even holding him. She said her sciatica was NOT built Ford tough for baby Hercules. – Sheena
* Someone on Instagram said “he can’t wear nothing from the damn baby shower. Big ass.” 
And he still precious and adorable. – Chiffontae
* I had a 9 lb 10oz baby. (C-section) No lies detected. That chick was in 3-6 Mos clothing straight out the hospital. Almost had to cut her out of her Going Home outfit. – Nicole
* Mine was 8lbs and couldn’t wear the newborn clothes. He gotta hit up Big & Tall – Ieishia
* I have never bought anyone newborn clothing. Ever. But this baby has me rethinking baby clothes altogether. Next pregnant friend I have, I’m starting the gift baskets with 2t’s. – Erika
* My birth canal would shriek and do a full wall slide. – Amber
* His Memorial Day fit coming straight out of husky boys in Burlington. – Chiffontae
* So she just blew out her entire VAGINA?!!?? Whyyyyy – Ayanna
* So basically her vageeeena looks like a hand grenade went off at a deli counter? I can’t envision how Andre the Giant didn’t rip her from stem to sternum. She’s gonna need rebar, not stitches. – Tracy
* Natural birth??? Did they use the jaws of life? – Janine
* Natural birth my ass. That baby walked out her uterus. – Jaeda
* I gave birth 6 months ago, “naturally” and without an epidural (NOT ON PURPOSE!!!) to a 7 pound even baby boy. I believe my uterus just put up a “closed forever” sign when I read this. Any eggs that were left over just scrambled themselves to save my poor lady bits from that type of destruction. I’ll be over in the corner with my legs crossed thinking about ice packs and Percocet. – Kara
* Throw a backpack on him and just send him on to preschool when you leave the hospital – Nakita
* Nawl. He would just have to stay in there. Nawl. Nawl. Nawl. – Kellie
* I just went and checked that my IUD was in place and poured myself a drink. – Angela
* I bet that’s what Morgan Freeman looked like when he came out…his ass has ALways been old! – Joanna
* Right after that bottle he went to the finance office and paid the hospital bill with his debit card. He has A1 credit and he wasn’t going to let being born mess with that. – Li
* During nursing school I had to clean and dress this 15lb newborn. I was exhausted and sweaty from that work out. When I finished the grandmother pounded on the glass and demanded to see her grandbaby. The uptight British nurse I was working with said, “can’t she see his fat ass from there!” Granny cursed us both out. – Faida
* I had a 10.2 lb baby, not by c section, no drugs, and no diabetes. My love pocket just ran up and hid inside my uterus. There will be no “hold the door” for this lady closet. – Maggie
* Baby’s first words are going to be “you gonna eat yo cornbread?” – Erica
* Why did this baby come out the womb needing help with his second grade math homework – Chaka
* Mine was 12lbs. I have no words. He’s 15 years old. I peed myself three times today from sneezing. #TheGiftThatKeepsOnGiving – Karmen
* Jesus, Moses, Miriam, Mohammed (may his name be blessed), Krishna, Shiva, Kali, Durga, Buddah, Julien of Norwich, all the Marys, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachael, Leah, Mother Teresa, Nannie Burroughs, Harriet Tubman, Ghandi, all y’all got to pitch in on this one. Tell the others. This sweet woman needs a miracle up in here. – Kathleen
* They gon bring the car around and this baby gon’ get in the driver’s seat talmbout “I’mma swing by the sto and get some rice cereal right quick. Y’all got milk at the house?” – Kell
* I’ll bet his voice is deep, too. Lmao Bless his lil husky heart. – Ejay
* My son was 12 lbs 4 oz. C-section. He looked like a sumo wrestler next to the other babes in the nicu. We DID have to toss all the newborn clothes-nothing fit!! And my back still hurts from the pregnancy:( – Bridget
* You will refer to him as Sir or Master Charles Maxwell Winscott the Third (made that up), because what this young man wearing a depends will not tolerate is being called Man Man or Tiny. Come correct or don’t come at all. – Shane
* I bet this baby sounds like Ving Rhames when he cries… – Gwen
* My little guy was two weeks late, came out reading the Daily Racing Form and smoking a cigar, but damn, he was less than nine pounds. – Carly
* Jesus be a transvaginal mesh! My biggest was 9lbs 10oz and I couldn’t walk for two solid weeks. This poor woman! He came out potty trained, right? Dayum! – Josy
* God Lord, I just Googled 15 lb newborn to get more of the story. There’s been more than one that big!! Some lady gave birth to a 15 lb 10 oz linebacker… err… baby. My love pocket is refusing to ever come out to play again. Ever. – Shastine
* Hmph. Y’all thought #Hodor was dead? Nope! #Bran just warged him into this man:
Louis Samson Rawls, the First of His Name, King of Ham Sandwich, King of the Boudin and the Gumbo and the First Piece of Catfish, Lord of the Five Guys, Protector of the 3-Meat Plate, Khal of the Great Chicken of the Sea, called Lou VagBorn, the Un-Caesarian, Father of Golden Corral. – Aamon
I QUIT EVERYONE. I AM TAPPING OUT. I hollered til my THROAT hurt. No gahtdamb behavior whatsoever. None to be had. But lemme tell you how God don’t like ugly, doe. When I was cracking up about these comments and adding my own, I dropped my good ass piece of chicken. That’s what I get.
Whew. Blessings to that baby and whoever the warrior that birthed it is. I salute that superhero, and may the gods old and new return her vagina to the tightness of days yore.
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